Deep silence hung like curtains inside the darkened hall
Soft whispers lurked in corners, a cross hung on the wall
The scent of death was waiting as he walked in the room
A euphoric sensation told him it would be soon.
He'd waited for this moment, this Jackal in the night
Creeping into the bedroom, his eyes devoid of light
Inheritance was looming, he felt it in the air
An icy smile was featured as he saw her despair.
He knelt beside his mother and whispered in her ear
Recoiling from the bedside his face a mask of fear
The wine he had been given was poisened by the maid
Within this Ancient Castle no-one came to his aid.
So in the old tradition, a legacy passed on
The mother was a scoundrel, just like her only son
Left there to die together the young beside the old
Which really was befitting, they came from the same mould.
A contest entry
- Rhyme and Flow part 7 Old - 50,000 points series by cricketjeff.
4000 points, ended August 15, 2008, 36 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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A completely different entry to all the others
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Sue and I always look forward to what you will give us in each round and this one did not disappoint, congats on the HM and please keep the entries coming in the remaining rounds.
Great stuff
Jeff and Sue
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I liked the twist in the end. It was well played! You had some good description in this piece. If you would like a more critical review, just ask. Best of luck in the contest!
~woof
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I like this. It gives a true feeling of real life while suggesting fiction. Your rhyme and flow are good
You message came through. All the makings of a good write.
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Thankyou for youe comments.Much appreciated because I know that you are not much of a rhyme person, Ros
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Holy smokes! You know what this wonderfully told story reminded me of? The (true life) relationship of Eleanor of Aquitaine, and her son Richard the Lion heart. She was quite a woman, and he?
Ah, I love stories told with a historical flare (flair?), this is no exception. This work is exquisite, so much to offer the reader.
Hands down the best work of art I've reviewed today...
(Hear that Jeff? LOL Give this girl a shiny!)
Best wishes always,
you are quite the tale weaver!
I humble myself,
Jin
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Glad you like it and thankyou for thr great critique.It makes it all the more worthwhile
, Ros
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This is a an exquisite double murder poem. It reminds me a little of the poetry of Edgar Allen Poe. I liked it alot. I love the rhyme.
Great job.
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I am so pleased you saw the maid for what she was.Not content with bumping off the old girl, she had to get rid of the son too, Ros
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Very interesting "plot" in this one. The wording is smartly woven, and the meter properly timed to the flow. The end line rhymes were mostly single consonants which made for easy reading, yet made the overall piece less intelligent and thought provoking, for me. The clever, ironic twist is a great metaphor for some of the deadly sins themselves... and my only confusion is why the maid would poison him... unless his mother told the maid to do it.
until immolation,
grimoire -
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Thankyou for commenting.Perhaps the maid had her eye on the inheritance herself
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