Locked within this prison cell
burning , suffocating hell
Screaming,whimpering, I cry
"Why do people pass me by?".
Dehydrating, boiling heat
body cooking, sizzling meat
lolling tongue makes dried up sore
"Let me out, I'm giving paw"
Thought I was best friend my man
put inside this frying pan
windows closed, no air inside
fresh cool water still denied.
As I drag my final breath
knowing I am reaching death
rolling eyes once more implore
"Someone open up that door".
Author notes
POM Contest A puppy left in a car in the summer heat ( Don't do it )
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1250 points, ended August 1, 2008, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
-
AWWWWWWWWW!! THE POOR DOGGY!! PLEASE nobody trap your dog in a hot car 'cause this is what happens! Well done Gwenevere for bringing the issue to light, and congratulations on your well deserved HM.
-
Nice job! Congrats!
-
Jumping right in...there are a couple of things I have to both agree...and disagree with (some of) my co-judges on...
Firstly, I don’t find this a “common” theme, but we have had a couple of writes dealing with animal cruelty. One of our previous POM winners was about a dancing bear (Dancing Matilda, by Sonja, I believe) but your poem has a totally different feel and is more geared toward the kinds of animal abuse more commonly seen or heard about. I think I understand Bear’s comment about this having more of an informative than “creative” feel. This is one of those times when giving more concrete descriptions may very well help the write. (Not just “puppy” but “Dalmatian” not just “dinner” but “pork chops”, that sort of thing...) There’s a feeling of...distance...from your subject, so the emotion isn’t quite what it could be...and yet there’s no doubt it’d leave almost any reader very sad.
Which brings me to another point...
If a poem has the ability to make us squirm in our chair...and this obviously does that to many people, the writer has, IMO, done something quite right.
The lasting impression is very solid. 
S3, L1 did read awkwardly to me also, but I’m wondering if that isn’t partly a rhyming issue? Seems like it was a wee bit forced there, also “paw” and “sore” are not a rhyme, to me? My only other suggestion would be to replace the period at the end of the poem with an exclamation point, just to really drive your point home.
Thanks so much for your entry, and good luck!
Best wishes,
~J
-
-
Thankyou
loved your critique, thankyou, Ros
-
-
Hi and welcome to the POM I have not seen any rules broken on your entry.Now onto your poem.This is awfully sad last week a puppy was forgotten in a car at our town festival how can anyone forget an animal in a car in 100 degree weather. I will never understand this is just heartbreaking what is wrong with people these days.Goodluck in the contest best wishes and much luck. My score will be sent in with my closing notes and posted at the end of the contest.
-
-
Thankyou for taking the time to read and review, Ros
-
-
Edited>>>
...and ( NOT ) just pick out Filler Words ~ -
-
Hello
The theme is meant to be uncomfortable.It always amazes me that people fight shy of abuse when it comes to animals.Of couse it's sad.If a human was treated in such a way there would be uproar.As for the topic being common, I beg to differ.This is not spoken about often enough.As you can tell this is a subject that I feel quite passionate about, Ros -
-
I don't think the topic is 'common' either - should be more writes on this topic....but the title was common to me and did not do this write the justice it deserved. just wanted to clarify that.
-
-
Thankyou.The only reason I used that title was that i hadn't seen that the ruling had been removed regarding the reversed line from the poem.Ah well, better luck next time
, Ros
-
-
lol - that reversed line can sure sometimes throw off a great title, can't it. I wrote my entry lst (without a title), then picked 2 words from my poem and reversed them for the title...lol....then changed it sometimes after the contest ended. Still, I think you prob. scored quite high on impact alone - so that's a good job! And I know it made most of us cry.
best wishes
-
-
-
-
-
This is a sad write...and all too true...
the title is way cliche' but other than that, a well penned piece!
Best wishes in the contest!
My scores will appear in final notes.
REMEMBER: No editing once a judge has commented!
Write on!
-
Definitely leaves an impact! A horrible one! This is a topic that leaves most people upset and uncomfortable - because it is so cruel, so senseless. As an animal lover, I hate to see or hear of things like this!
Title - too common as it defines the animal topic before one reads this, but doesn't give any hints to the actual 'abuse'. I feel it should be stronger - something along the lines of the neglect this describes.
Nice presentation, strong images, rules followed. A nice, but sad, entry.
** No editing once a judge has commented.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
-
Hi there
Such a sad write, and yet all too common ~
space after *screaming*
Not really convicedyour Flow is the best it can be....I believe, the ban on Filler Words got in your way.....but only a bit ~
*Read the 1st L, 3rd S ~
*to* is needed to make that Flow better....however, can't use it....sooo.....you have to work around it, and not just pick out filler words ~
Your thoughts have to include no filler words....and then pen it smoothly ~
Umm....not thinking this is Creative, as it is Informative.....and plain sad ~
Let's get it on my board ~
Good luck and God bless.....you have other Judges coming behind me
Bear ~
Title 8.0...makes me think of dogs...and if I am not into reading about dogs at the moment, then your write is going to skipped over for another Title of more interest to -
Flow 9.8....nice job...but not of a lot of movement, or action....jsut sad imagery -
Depth 9.5....not sure I would have told a story with this Theme....I think it best to leave thisTopic to Informative Column & such -
Theme 9.2....grabs your attention once you begin to read -
Feelings 9.85....yes...but Theme felt uncomfortable....to me -
Grammar 9.65..simple, yet affective....rhyme is well done -
Presentation 8.75...not a afn of all quatrains...mix it up a tad -
Uncommonness 9.0...read it about many times -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.75...I did ponder -
Ability to follow Rules -
Bears Score: 93.5
Not bad....get more creative next time
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
-
OMG i wanna bring that puppy water how can people DO that! 
your piece totally gripped me emoptionally wonderfully penned
*Clappy*
-
Ugh. I hate to hear stories like that. A few years ago, we an outbreak of horrid parents leave their young babies in their car! Babies, young kids strapped in to a safety seat. It happened about three or four times in a row...in the summer heat!
Dogs-that's inhumane, no matter how you look at it. I have two black labs, they get hot quickly in the heat.
I cannot imagine standing outside in a fur coat, why would I expect my dogs to?
Insightful, seamless, tight rhyming here. Emotions are evident. Yes, I strongly agree, and I applaud you for speaking up about it. And my dogs are in complete agreement too. They give you two paws up on this write...
Best wishes to you,
Jin
-
How terribley sad A rhyming horror story .
-
Oh my God, this has me crying on a Sunday morning Very powerful, but upsetting. It got my jucies flowing enough to get up on the soap box with you LOL Bill
-
Leaving a pet in the car is just downright cruel. Hopefully your poem will serve as a reminder to people who might forget that animals are people too. Good luck in the contest.
Sincerely,
Leo Long
Adding your comment:
1 - 19 of 19
