What have I done?
How could I?
I couldn’t help it.
You did this to me.
Why?
I thirst for more.
I can’t eat.
I can’t sleep.
I can’t stop.
Help me!
You did this to me.
My love.
You cursed me.
I love him so.
You made me kill him.
My love, my life, my-
No! I tell myself.
I didn’t do it!
You cursed me!
Now I curse you.
I fling her across the room.
She lies, helpless, lifeless.
“Do you give?” I ask her.
“No, and I never will,” she responds back.
Then die!
I’m back.
I can love,
I can breathe.
I thirst for more, though.
The day is near end,
And it shall return to me again.
But not tonight!
I tell myself.
I lie awake,
Crying, thirsting,
Screaming!
I have been cursed with this deadly curse.
That shall kill us all.
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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A bit hard to follow exactly what's going on, makes it feel insane. Difficult to take literally, too literal to take metaphorically, like drifting in and out of a hallucination to find oneself lost on what is real and what's not. Very thought provoking.
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wow it sounds so so real i mean it shows how people have personal battles within themsleves. you want to kill the other person but can't because that would mean killing yourself in the process....damn girl i can't believe i just thought that.....wows is all that i can say for this poem oh and i miss you sooooooo freakin' much ily sissy
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An intense write you have here and the sentiments literally burn up the screen. Technically I liked the short lines, they are very effective in conveying the feelings of the poetic voice. One minor crit would be to suggest that you don't necessarily need to end punctuate every line, if you use run on lines/enjambement, this will free up the flow, you don't need to capitalize each line either and it'll read much smoother. Have a play with it. Apart from that, an interesting write, be good to see what you do with it if you want to. Thanks for sharing. Cheers.
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thank you! 'have a play with it' ill keep that in mind next time!
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WOW
dang this is good -
Great work. Amazing words. Love it.
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Need a li'l shoring up because the narration skips around from subject to object to thought with out delineation, but the basis of the narrative is entertaining on it's own merit. One other li'l thing, if the woman who is thrown across the room is lying "lifeless" how does she then reply and later die...for to lie lifeless implies death has already occurred? I do hope that you aren't opposed to constructive criticism; I think you have a good tale going here, it just need's a wee bit of work. Peace
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no, i actually want/need the critisism!! i had a little trouble with this, and think i can do better with it! thanks!
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I like it. keep up the great work
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