Filtered and divided by a hardwood forest,
the moonlight that remained,
etched a silver stain across the snow.
In silhouette, I watched you slowly pierce the black
and stand up against the fire and sing.
You thought my heart was pure
and my mind was clean,
I hope I did not disappoint.
Author notes
True story
A contest entry
- poets anonymous;; auditions. (prewrites) by etoile.
1175 points, ended August 18, 49 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
-
no, sorry
I think this has loads of potential. the imagery and storyline is great, it's just a little short and underdeveloped, if that makes sense.
also in the last stanza maybe take out the 'I think'
thanks for entering
-
poets anonymous:
'I think you thought' just ruins it for me.
no. -
-
Well I guess you got me there
-
-
I liked the beginning of this, but it didn't progress like I hoped it would.
sorry, no. -
-
Thanks for your honest opinion
-
-
this makes one want to reckon
there seems to be a progression from contemplative which breaks to take a turn, or allow [another] which can frazzle even in area known as family maybe.
your first stanza was pausal but it didn't feel like a puzzle until the third had me combine everything under "filtered and divided" not just the lunar moment that evening. I know spontaneous singing can make me feel vulnerable but I've learned more, about each's ear as opportunity poured not only a shout if {unstartled} for it, than my inspiration haha.
interesting, subtly putting me back on a gathered gravel walk,
called Carolyn
-
i really love this...
-
makes me feel warm and strange
I sighed, said mmmm, and then frowned....why would anyone think your mind was clean?
The romance of it is splendid. I've spent 5 solid minutes in serious contemplation of it. Nice.
Adding your comment:
1 - 8 of 8
