"and how does
that make you feel?"
the snot rolling over
the crease between
her nose and lips, hips
grinding into
the puckered chair.
her stare makes
children. the
slowness of her
breathing septic-
like a man in her pants
too soon.
her tongue wiggles
into the thick green,
pulls it slovenly over her teeth.
the clock unbuttons her shirt
and flirts with its eyes.
"don't cry baby".
and how does
that make you feel?
Author notes
suicide mission
it may be a line or two over 20. Hope that's not too bad.
In a list
A contest entry
- REALLY Not For The Weak: Ultra-Deluxe Suicide-Edition by Immortal Obscurity.
1750 points, ended August 12, 2008, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Any advice is welcome
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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THANK YOU FOR NOT MELTING MY BRAIN.
I love how colloquial & raw this is, plus its unaesthetically aesthetic imagery is awesome. My only critique is this: "pulls it over her teeth slovenly." The adverb at the end of the phrase is awkward and threw this off. It's certainly the perfect word to use, but it just felt strange where placed.
Ta for entering and not being a braindead whiner!
-hiraeth
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lol, I'm glad it turned out okay. I'll see what I can do about the placement of 'slovenly'. I'll change it around a bit.
Thanks
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scary!!!
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Well shit. Thank you for not melting my brain! lol.
I loved this. Bitter, bitter, bitter. And oh-so-gritty.
For the love of good poetry and poets, I'd hug you if I could for this.
I love the ending question. It leaves a sting like a tetanus shot.
I can't even think of anything I didn't like, or might need edits.
Congrats, your poem is currently light-years ahead of the rest in this contest!
g'luck!
-sailor ptolema -
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Thanks. Glad you liked it. I was reading some of you and the other judges' comments and to the least...I was highly amused. Laughing out loud-literally, on some of them.
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....yea...well; I just leave it at that. And;...I'm confused as to why you weren't on my favs..
....i swear you were like last week lol.
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wow that's siiiick.
seriously, i am entranced.
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thanks
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intense and well written. i say, this might possibly be the gold. Love, Lane
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thanks so much Lane.
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Wow.
Haha, my first reaction would be a first "ouch" at the irony of it, including the "like a man in her pants", but the whole thing.
I love the imagery, the vagueness, the clarity... and to think a good therapist would know how to make patients comfortable. I love how thoughtful the issue that you're addressing is, and also how you treat it. I see a great opposition between the two questions - the therapist's loud, "and how does that make you feel?", and the patient's thought, "don't cry baby". I can also see more to these, as the former is such a stereotype question, and yet it says the most (the world for us isn't what it is, but what we perceive and how we feel about what it is), and yet, having been so trivialized, it stopped bringing the comfort and safety it should. That's an idea that can be applied to pretty much aything, and I love how thoughtful it is. Also, I like the stanza in which the therapist, the patient, and the clock become pretty mixed up. I don't know, it just shows so much. So many interconnections and such miscommunication. And the image of "the clock unbuttons her shirt" is just so original. Thanks so much for sharing, I should have this one somewhere to remember.
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thanks Di. It's good to hear from you. Irony is one of my absolute favorite literary elements.
And of course it's like, how can you make it obvious that it's a therapist speaking? that questions is so cliche' that it was perfect for the scenero. lol
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