The empty gulf is left by broken dreams
The heart will beat without a cause to care
Despair incites the wrath to flow in streams
In blackest waters hatred makes its lair.
The mind awaits the beautiful demise
That blades of death will bring at setting sun.
The bluest flames of hell make no goodbyes
As eyes, once bright, the blackened soul will shun.
At last my psyche is free from in my head
A welcome peace discharges from life... I'm dead!
Author notes
Theme prompt: Dark depression
Word bank: broken, black, beautiful, blade, blue
Artwork: Painting Poetry
A contest entry
- The Death Contest... by SchizoChic.
600 points, ended August 9, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Should it be discharges or discharged in the last line, is it past tense at the point of death?
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Nice work. Thanks for entering.
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This is short with no wasted words. The reader can feel the despair. Death leaves no goodbyes as peace comes with the end of life. Nice work, the clarity sets the mood.
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Thank you for your comment,
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I understand where you're coming from with this poem, I like it
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EXCELLENT!!
I really liked this. Dark, depressing and morbid tones are just terrifically achieved beautifully. The last line utterly finalises the piece gloriously. This was a great topic to describe in poetry, I'm glad I came across to this composition. Wonderful write, I LOVED IT!!
~Emily~ xx
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I liked it.
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Reminds me of James Joyce and the Dubliners, the title.
I didn't get a sense of the physical, but the emotional death and how welcome that can be. In that sense, yes, I completely feel ya there. I never found myself happier than when I let go of all that baggage that was weighing me down. Once I was able to bury that, then there was peace. Hurt like hell for days on end, so yes. It was beautiful.
I love this, there's so much I can relate to, obviously (sorry). Quite beautiful, first snow of the year beautiful. Would that be austere?
Best wishes always,
Jin
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This was really wonderful.. I really like the metaphors that you used here! or that could be just me.lol.. anyway the imagery in this write were really vivid and detailed.. I really enjoyed reading this.. You did a wonderful job!
Angel
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Moving but sad
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Brilliant!
there comes a time in life which each one
of us must face our fears. When the rubber meets
the road and those tough choices are
imminent. At that moment in time once the
choice hasbeen made, release comes in the sweetest
of freedom. For we have openned the gates to
life in the alternate realms of I AM.
This was a powerful piece filled with
passion and emotion. Great work
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This is darkly written and cynical. I do understand where you are coming from. I enjoyed the poem.
Great job.
Mike
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OMG....Wow
This is a deep and thought provoking piece of work you've written. It shows the true talent that you hold in your pen. Great flow nice metaphor and deep meaning. I feel it is fantastic as is.
mandie
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Excellent
So many good lines in this.
It feels essential, fundamental.
Thanks for this and good luck in the contest.
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Thank you Thomas.
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The soul that decides to shed its flesh but still has the vi to let this energy flow through its verse has no need for death, only to understand its own potential, which is great indeed.
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Thank you for your comment and phillosophy.
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I loved this piece. I must say the commas on some of the lines break your flow...if you could re-phrase them maybe? But that's a little thing. I loved the simple rhyme...your language was great. I loved the 'B' lettered word bank. I was drawn in with every word.
"The bluest flames of hell make no goodbyes
As eyes, once bright, the blackened soul will shun."
My favourite line for sure. Keep it up! I loved the picture and the background too. Love it! -
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Thank you for a really constructive and useful comment, I do appreciate that. I have done a little bit of a re-write and it seems to flow better (not really that good at judging that on my own writes lol).
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Yes I know what you mean. Judging your own stuff for editing is difficult lol. I like re-write! But the periods add to the effect of statement and focus. Keep writing!
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