half moon
high
above
rooftops
hung
in a black
sky
no stars tonight
no stars for you Madeline
only black
black night
lilac breezes
float
through cracked window panes
and linger
in a small apartment
no stars tonight
no stars for you
Madeline
only
black
black night
footsteps
climb stairs
to your dark, empty place
Madeline
you are out
in the black
of the night
no stars tonight
no stars for you
Madeline
only black
black night.
constructive crticism would be really appreciated...
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
good peice
i like the short lines of this peice very much, it adds great effect and really shines through the emotion of the topic covered.
However, some lines have 4 words and they would be more effective split and seperated.
your use of repatition is good.
The long, thin shape of this write reminds me of tears rolling down a peice, which fits well with the emotive feel of the subject.
overall a good peice.
-
Well. This definitely leaves you wondering. It's almost like the lyrics to a song at the beginning of some sinister movie (like Sweeney Todd).
The repetition is highly effective. Also, the lineation adds to this mystery. Who is Madeline? Why no stars for her? Why only black black night? I would like to know a little more about her.
Very well done, indeed.
celtic queen
-
I enjoyed this.
I think the use of repetition certainly is one of the strong points of this write. Also the use of the name only and no other details about this girl makes it more intriguing to read.
Hmm I'm not sure if I'm keen on the choppy lines, part of me likes it because it makes the first half more powerful than I think it would be with a more conventional line format.
However, I felt the style become too much from line 23 to 30. It was the only place I stumbled on the words, so if any changes were to be made, in my opinion that stanza could be reworded/revised.
Otherwise a very enjoyable write,
thanks for sharing.
-
wow
This was so much fun to read. I really enjoy the repetition, really drives the point home. However, I think that a more consistent form would help it flow better. Maybe make the same number of lines in each stanza, change up some of you phrases so the syllables match. This would also help paint a better picture and keep the reader interested.
"lilac breezes
float
through cracked window panes"
this is a FABULOUS stanza. DON'T CHANGE IT!!! keep it just like this, so great.
overall great write!
p.s. my name is madeline! ha! how coincidental...
-
-
funny that is your favorite line, it was the first thing i wrote down. just a sliver of a poem that i expanded on.
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 5 of 5
