never before, you, like no other
such feelings dwell deep, i uncover
overcoming boundaries firmly set
when our eyes, though different, met
chastised by forest's grand
passing glances where we stand
your tail majestic, stirring, swaying
my long ears, aware, obeying
packyderm promise, never will I confess
sweetest source in our unions bless
lost within your purr, others know not
true love cascading, stomach knot
waiting at glades edge, knowingly discrete
behind tall trees, declarations complete
stealing kisses, tusks gentle, whiskers soft
finding magic, once abandoned, now aloft
discovered! evil monkey, gossip queen
through messages gutteral, shared, seen
our love forbidden, jungle law calling
separation, now severed, hearts falling
Author notes
POM Contest
This is a love poem a elephant would write to his lioness love after the Jungle discovered their affair and forbid them to be together. Kinda like Romeo an Juliet with teeth an tusks O.o
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1250 points, ended August 1, 2008, 11 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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Wonderfully imagined. It seems a series of poetic journal entries of the development and complications of this affair.
I enjoy rhyme done well, taking thoughts in cunningly clever directions that simple prose would not have imagined going.
The spelling in a few places was jarring, but in a couple of places perhaps serendipitous if not actually planned:
"Packyderm" should be 'pachyderm', and I cannot see this as anything but a phonetic misdial.
"Discrete" at first appears as if it should be 'discreet', but then "discrete" in the context of the poem may fit as well.
Finally, "gutteral" is not an accepted word, but actually works better than "guttural" which would be meaningless here. "Gutteral", as in appropriate to the gutter, works very well. It describes the gossip which doomed the love connection of these two from very different backgrounds, backgrounds which should have consigned them to enmity instead of loving affection.
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thanxu
im not the best speller but im getting better. i didnt know there were two discretes 
weird i guess both kinda work but i think i wanted to use discreet. i need to remember that and i made a new word, gutteral
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Nice job! Congrats!
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Hi and welcome to the POM.
I must say, this is very creative and penned with a strong imagination....I felt a bit lost at first, but that quickly went away, as I began to see the direction you were going. I’d have liked to see some periods to help pace the poem a bit slower, but I was very happy with the generous use of commas...in all the right spots. This could have easily become a confusing chunk of text, without those...well done!
I really don’t have anything more to add, beyond what my co-judges have said. My scores will come in the final notes...
Thanks so much for your entry, and hope to see you back soon!
Best wishes,
~J. -
Hi and welcome to the POM I have not seen any rules broken on your entry.Now onto your poem.I have seen the love theme before but this is different and creative I love it very cool write for me to read Goodluck in the contest best wishes and much luck. My score will be sent in with my closing notes and posted at the end of the contest.
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Such an imagination!!! I really enjoyed this...
most unique theme this week for sure!!
Best wishes in the contest!
My scores will appear in final notes.
REMEMBER: No editing once a judge has commented!
Write on!
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This was cute - nicely done. Not a theme I've seen before. Title fits, but is not one I would probably click on - too vague, I think. Good images, nice presentation, rules followed. All in all, one of my favorite reads.
** No editing once a judge has commented.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
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Hi there
I am excited to see so many great reviews on this write ~
Your Rhyme is flawless....and to do that without theuse of Filler Words is remarkable ~
I think your meter got a tad ho-drum after the 3rd stanza ~
Rhyme calls for structure most of time in formatting your write, but 4 quatrains are a tad too much for me.....and I tell anyone this who does the samething....no worries....it read very well ~
The Creativity is good....but I have seen writes about something similiar, just different animals ~
I think this would do well in a childrens book of poetry ~
Nothing much to critique about this write....over-all...a fine job
Good luck and God bless,
Bear ~
Title 8.0....way, way too cliche' -
Flow 9.65...meter is nice, rhyme helps -
Depth 9.9..I liked this journey -
Theme 9.9...Nicely chosen....but watch for similiar writes -
Feelings 9.95....I was engaged in your personification -
Grammar 9.65....simple, yet affective -
Presentation 9.5...usually not a fan of one quatrain after the next -
Uncommonness 9.85...seen it before...but this sure was cute
-Sit & Ponder Affect 9.9...I did ponder the stroy....nice lasting inpression -
Ability to follow Rules 10...perfect from what I can see -
Bears Score: 96.3
Nice job!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Beauty and the beast, but which one's beauty and which ones beast? I guess that depends on the eye of the beholder. Yet, I think in they saw the beauty in each others eyes and the rest of the world only saw the beast! This is an excelent write I really e
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Very different.You must get top marks on unusual theme.
Sad too, Ros -
I love this idea! What a great theme! Very cutely written too! best in the contest!
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*chuckle*
I had a good laugh with this one. Looks like something out of an animated Disney film. Very cute love story, young poet.
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AW
ADORABLE!!! I absolutley love it. You have such a way of describing things..gorgeous. -
wow I love everything about this poem. you are very talented. the second stanza is amazing! good luck.
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wow...certainly a different take on a common theme! I like I like!!!
as always your rhyme is beautiful and your imagery is rich and clear....well written!
Thanks for sharing this, and all the best in the contest,
Luck. -
Love is a very common theme, but animal? Hmmm....wonder what Bear will say. *shrugs* I liked the rhyme scheme, I didn't see any filler words, not ever line is capped, and your grammar really helps me anyways. Best of luck!
~Kystal Angel
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the world is full of prejudice so why not the jungle too love should be love no matter what an so what if its a elephant an a lion or a budist an a christian or 2 female sparrows
love is love
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your words echo emotions deep with every line i read
its sad but beautiful, an amazing write that touches the heart of those who can relate
This line really pierced me..,
"packyderm promise, never will I confess
sweetest source in our unions bless
lost within your purr, others know not
true love cascading, stomach knot"
Amazing is all i can say
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