Moonlight,
piercing through broken window shafts,
brushes against threadbare tablecloth
on unpolished oak.
Autumn's breeze gently touches
this morning's newspapers.
Fine prints, resting unattended
against cold coffee,
lie scattered among last month's magazines.
Smudged fingerprints leave traces
below crumbled edges,
while a torned date implies September.
Time stands sempiternal.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Ah, I love that I had to look up the word 'sempiternal' - exquisite choice of vocabulary. Your descriptions in this poem are lovely.
On a side note, your poem makes me think of this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eternal_September Chance?
Thanks for entering!
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Interesting word, now you have my looking it up~
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Ooh very originally crafted. Great metaphor and imagery. Expressions well conveyed. Lovely write!
Thanks for entering & best of luck
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OK - I'm hooked LOL. I love simple writes about slices of the everyday... (Not that I can do them
)
This was a beautiful image... only critique I would have is that "sempiternal" seems out of place... it mars the simple beauty of this. And no, the tie-in to the calendar didn't escape me.
Ken
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I found it hard to get into. doesn't really suck the reader in. i like the last verse.
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Hi there and welcome to the POM.
I really enjoyed the imagery of this piece, but your theme didn’t come through for me until the last line...and even then...I saw this as sort of a “still-life” or a snapshot picture of a room...without a lot of impact or deep message coming through...but maybe that’s just me. On a technical note, just a small thing...
I‘m wondering what “ torned” should have been? I think “torn”?
Despite the simplicity, I liked this. I’m anxious to see how it does on my scoreboard...which will be in the final notes of the contest...
Nice job. Thanks so much for your entry!
Good luck and Best wishes,
~J.
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Hi and welcome to the POM I have not seen any rules broken on your entry.Now onto your poem.I have seen this theme written for alot so it is not unique for me. But even though it is not new to me I did enjoy this piece and think that you did a great job with it.Goodluck in the contest best wishes and much luck. My score will be sent in with my closing notes and posted at the end of the contest.
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Aloha! I really like the images also.
Had to look up your title....it shows as a mis-spelling in word...lol.....
Best wishes in the contest!
My scores will appear in final notes.
REMEMBER: No editing once a judge has commented!
Write on!
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Lovely wording and images in this. Your title is unusual. Nice flow, neat presentation and rules followed. Even though I really enjoyed this, it didn't leave a big impact. Still, a very nice entry.
** No editing once a judge has commented.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
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Hi there
First impression....not an original Theme...and some of your lines are on the tad clich'e side, and that is really my only critique ~
In the PO' Contests, you have to bring the most Creative Theme you can possibly think up.....and then pen it wisely ~
I enjoyed this write, but it may not score high in some of the areas I look at in a write ~
Mentioning Magazines.....and newspapers, are focusing a lot of attention to other things, besides your Theme ~
Not a lot of movement in your write, but I figure that is because of your Theme ~
Not a bad write...it's good to see you back
Good luck and God bless,
Bear ~
Title 9.75...I questioned it at first, but I think I would click on it -
Flow 8.8...not a lot of movement....I enjoy a journey -
Depth 8.75....I have read this info in other writes -
Theme 8.5...can't say I was brought any new info or a new storyline -
Feelings 8.5....no feelings...a lot of inof and imagery, but no feelings -
Grammar 9.2...pretty cliche...simple, yet affective -
Presentation 9.4...those couple of lines I mentioned are a tad long for one thought -
Uncommonness 8.5....not unique -
Sit & Ponder Affect 8.75....sorry....no Lasting Impression after I got to the scoreboard -
Ability to follow Rules 10...prefect from what I can see -
Bears Score: 90.15
Not bad....just bring more creativity to your quills talent in the next PO' Contest and watch your scores soar! ~
No editig once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Great imagery With the broken windows and unpolished oak amongust the newspaper, magizines and cold coffee It conjures up the image of a homeless person trying to create the image of a normal life for themself living in an abandoned home
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I love your use of "semipiternal" and this idea which makes you wonder, okay, what happened here? Great write, especially as you're young! best in contest!
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