i.
sometimes i can't sleep.
sometimes postcards and music notes
can hold my head higher than these deflated pillows
like punctured lungs or collapsed hearts.
sometimes i think about you.
ii.
you say your fingers are sore.
you say you've been trying to pluck out melodies
from a piano that's lost its tune.
i say they hurt because they can’t get out the words to say,
sorry for touching you.
i only wanted to see what the inside of your heart looked like,
to see if there were any pieces of me floating around in your euphoria
but it was delicate.
it was fragile and i left fingerprints
in a place i should've already been.
i forced my way into you and you couldn't stand it.
iii.
i have retinas like ice.
when they lock onto something warm, they stick
and for the rest of the night i stumble around,
trying to see past the frost that’s formed.
you knew.
you saw me with my fingers in my eyes,
trying to find the way to see and you thought
why not kick her when she's down?
your words revolved in my weak mind.
it took my eyes about four minutes to adjust,
and by the time I blinked them open
you were gone.
iv.
if i told you that sometimes you push yourself between my eyelids
until I can't help but let you out with the tears,
would you tell me not to cry?
if i told you that it’s hard for me to breathe
because my left ribcage is so empty
that dust has coated my lung
and filled my vacant spaces,
would you give me any air?
if i told you that i wrote this poem at two am
because the i miss you’s were taking up too much space
in my tiny oxygenless room,
if i told you that sitting here pounds a hole in my chest
because somewhere your heart is beating more rhythmically than mine,
if i told you that tonight i’ve slipped in my tears and i can’t get up,
would you pick me up off the floor
or would you close your eyes and walk away?
v.
maybe you knew that i have holes that need to be filled;
i thought of you from seven until midnight
and now i’m thinking of all the faces i scanned today,
trying to drown you out in crowds and runaway memories.
but all i ever needed was someone avoiding the fluorescent lights,
tripping around broken lamps,
and maybe trying to find someone
like me.
Author notes
i only want to know
that you feel it
too.
A contest entry
- The Best by She Stole My Voice.
400 points, ended July 26, 2008, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - best prewrites by dory.
500 points, ended July 30, 2008, 89 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Want to be READ? ENTER HERE! by Avatar of Innocence.
525 points, ended September 7, 2008, 131 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything you want...Show me Your Best Poems..I need inspiration..PW's Welcome! by Hetha.
2100 points, ended August 20, 2008, 160 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - TURN YOUR SILVER INTO GOLD by KayJay.
1750 points, ended August 3, 2008, 20 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Show Me Your Best! by xCandieKissesx.
450 points, ended August 6, 2008, 39 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best Prewrites [Love Poems] Enter now! by perfectsunset.
475 points, ended August 17, 2008, 52 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Personal Best: contemporary poems. by Brit-Girl.
700 points, ended August 12, 2008, 38 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Love - Who can show me what they've got?? by starblaze.
600 points, ended August 21, 2008, 14 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Life by Kal-El.
650 points, ended August 26, 2008, 56 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Show me what wins silver around here by AutumnGypsy.
550 points, ended August 27, 2008, 24 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 'Top Billing' Poet to my Page - 2nd Annual Contest - Prompt Anything by Florida Sunshine.
525 points, ended August 30, 2008, 28 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Letting Go by lizwicker.
1050 points, ended September 9, 2008, 48 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me Something Sad by LittleDecoy.
900 points, ended August 31, 2008, 85 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything and Whatever by fairytalelovestory.
875 points, ended September 14, 2008, 48 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - DO I KNOW YOU??? IF NOT, SHOULD I??? by delightfulmess.
600 points, ended September 19, 2008, 30 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - No rules just Write by catalyst..
320 points, ended September 22, 2008, 23 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make My Heart Cry by AbsoluteBrightness.
1400 points, ended November 7, 2008, 45 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 60 of 60
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This was [so] personal - i feel like it must have taken a lot out of you to sit down and pen this onto paper, it's so o pen -reveals a lot of who YOU are throughout it, I think?
So much of this poem was entirely unique in its thoughts and descriptions, though I think for me, hte part that I liked best was,
"if I told you that sometimes you push yourself between my eyelids
until I can't help but let you out with the tears,
would you tell me not to cry?"
... just amazing imagery and wording! thank you so much for sharing this with us - and congrats on all the trophies
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Oh wow, this is amazing!
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Such sorrow is heart wrending. This is a beautiful work of art and I wish you the best of luck.
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seriously I was going to pick out parts i like best in this write but there are just way to many.
I see you have won many contests and you deserve every one of those.
this is so good.
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"if I told you that it’s hard for me to breathe
because my left ribcage is so empty
that dust has coated my lung
& filled my vacant spaces,
would you give me any air?"
This is a published work I hope? If not, you should rush and do just that, get it published! It is very easy to see why you've received so much bling, bling for this one poem. Superb! I am thoroughly inmpressed.
Thank you for this entry in my contest, and the best to you in the contest.
Much Love & Respect ♥
Renee
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This had an intensity that kept me spellbound the whole way through. An amazing piece, and worthy of every piece of tin it has. Thank you ever so much for sharing.
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I've come back to this poem alot just rereading it. This is amazing and it was so many truths interlaced within the brilliant imagery.
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This is great. This is filled with imagery, memories, and that excited yet painful feeling that you get in your chest when you like something and don't want to have to look away. I know, all too well. Great job, keep up the great work.
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As you can probably tell by all the trophies and lovely comments your poem has received, this poem is amazing and me telling you that I love it will not be anything that you haven't heard before. But I must say that I think I know how this feels... ungodly hours of the night really are the best time for getting out ALL your emotions. =]
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you say your fingers are sore.
you say you've been trying to pluck out melodies
from a piano that's lost its tune.
I say they hurt because they can’t get out the words to say,
sorry for touching you.
You really deserved all those trophys this is such a great write I loved the metaphors and imagery and it just read so well. I wasn't bored at all throughout the entire thing even though it was a good size. Great write -
Oh what emotional imagery!
I can tell it is a very personal piece.
I normally get board with poems of this length, But
NOT YOURS!
This was sensational!
Well done and thank you for your entry.
Delila -
i agree this is an amazing write. I've read a lot of your work, and you definitely were clear in your message, and your thoughts flowed smoothly, though never boring. You retained brilliant metaphors and imagery throughout your piece. I am constantly in awe of your work, and aspire to be that good one day.
"Masquerade"
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When I started reading, I remember it
from another contest I suppose, because
I thought for SURE I commented. Couldn't
find it here.
...But hey. A classic is a classic and I wanted
to tell you how fantastic a write this is.
If I didn't say this before, I will now.
The truthfulness and fluid journaling of
this is what makes it so good. It's as if
you are trying to re-invent reactions to
something that obviously struck hard, years
later. Isn't that the way of revelation?
It happens as such.
Many will relate to this timing and lean
on it when the going seems rough and the
picture is not yet clear.
Congrats!!!!!!
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What a beautiful write, a great entry for this contest. A perfectly penned write with great flow and good imagery. Thank you for the entry. Keep the pen flowing...the pleasure was all mine.
Nevadapoet
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i loved this the first time i read it and love it even more now.
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wow just from the first two stanzas you blew me away.. woah this is the most intense poem i have ever read. it was really interesting and it's like you had ur heart out on the table ready for it to be cut up into pieces if he ever read this or something.. this is a winner..
good job!
Rose
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Wow
Wow i mean thats all i can say is wow....i love this ......
My fav part is
I only wanted to see what the inside of your heart looked like,
to see if there were any pieces of me floating around in your euphoria
Your amazing!!!!!!
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Aanika, what an amazing poet you are. As I read your poem I could feel the emotion you've penned into this. When I scrolled through I could see many others agree with me.
As I've read poetry and my views about poetry is as lovely as metered, and forms and all the whistles and bells people can put to enhance their poem, nothing can compare to the 'raw' emotions placed into a piece. Poetry should be about what we feel, think and see.
This poem exhibits all of that, you did a terrific job. I enjoyed reading and reviewing your work.
Best of luck to you,
Florida Sunshine
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Fantastic, congratulations on yer golden goose, superb poetry,
well done indeed,
regards,
Floorboards.
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wow.
i love how simply you bring out vivid images that immediately strike a chord in the heart.
this is sensually heart-wrenchingly beautiful.
i love every word of this, the concept, the structure, the flow... and thus, this goes into my special bookmark list.
well deserved trophies.
you sure know how to set the mood with your words.
i'd love it if you'd enter my contest. new writes though.
http://allpoetry.com/contest/2418795
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Wow, this is truly a brilliant poem. The words, the images, the emotion. I love everything about it!!! There aren't enough beautiful words in the world to express how amazing this poem is!
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Can I say it, can I, can I??? This is superb, the best thing I have read all day, I am not a great fan of this kind of style but what layed within these words literally reached out and touched my heart. Brilliant. Welcome to the finalist list. Best to you
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holy crap
you have a shitload of trophies on this piece!
but then again this is AMAZING.
i looove it
and youu♥ -
Congrats on the silver!
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*sigh* Here I go again. hahaha
i.
sometimes I cannot sleep.
sometimes postcards & music notes
can hold my head higher than these deflated pillows<.<.very deep. love it.
like punctured lungs or collapsed hearts<.< love how you switched those around a bit. Usually, you'd see something like "collapsed lungs" & "punctured hearts". Beautiful
sometimes I think about you.
...
I can see why this poem got so many applauds and trophies. The power just pours from your words & from the page.
ii.
you say your fingers are sore.
you say you've been trying to pluck out melodies
from a piano that's lost its tune. <.<.this suits the poem incredibly. well written.
I say they hurt because they can’t get out the words to say,
sorry for touching you.
I only wanted to see what the inside of your heart looked like,
to see if there were any pieces of me floating around in your euphoria<.<.whoaaa. now that's just deeper than deep. no more needs to be said.
but it was delicate.
it was fragile & I left fingerprints
in a place I should've already been.
I forced my way into you & you couldn't stand it.
...
I just have to say I love the attitude in the last two lines. As if you've figured out who they are, and they can't stand it. Relatable, definitely. love it.
-I have retinas like ice
...
wow. that's really all I can say about that. hah.
-if I told you that sometimes you push yourself between my eyelids
until I can't help but let you out with the tears,
would you tell me not to cry?
...
Wonderful metaphors. I can say I relate. Ughhh. You wrote this emotion so well & clearly.
hahah, I'd post the rest of your poem, but I have like 893247932 other to comment as it is, but honestly, this was amazing, and it the power faded a little in the end, but I still loved the ending anyway Thanks for entering & keep it up! ♥
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beautiful piece you have a true gift
thanks for entering best of luck -
Thank you for entering! Some really deep emotion here, very well expressed, great ideas and imagery and very readable and relatable. I particlularly like the lines:
"it was fragile & I left fingerprints
in a place I should've already been. "
"if I told you that sometimes you push yourself between my eyelids
until I can't help but let you out with the tears, "
"because the I miss you’s were taking up too much space
in my tiny oxygenless room"
"because somewhere your heart is beating more rhythmically than mine,"
Great and original expressions of feeling here. For me this could be about lost love, or unrequited love, but reminded me most of underserved love. In other words, how we sometimes fall in love with people who probably dont deserve it, and how we hold onto that feeling so strongly even when we know it's hurting us. I'm not entirely sure which of those was intended but that's how it struck me anyway, particularly with the above lines..
Thank you again for entering!
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A well written poem with much depth and emotion threaded so uniquely throughout. I can see why this has been well decorated and loved. Thank you for gracing my contest, with this lovely entry.
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The imagery here is indeed nothing less than amazing. The shift from stanza to stanza, combines thought on several plains of love's light fallen, somehow ripped from the seam unraveling still. Much of this is something that I can relate to, if not all of us at some point, but in such a refreshing way, provoking the mind and heart - to feel it all once more.
Well spoken piece... I especially enjoyed:
"if I told you that it’s hard for me to breathe
because my left ribcage is so empty
that dust has coated my lung
& filled my vacant spaces,
would you give me any air?"
Great write!
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A great write with some amazing imagery used. I can see why this has won so many awards. Great job, and thanks so much for entering my contest. Blessings, Patty
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There is no one favorite line I can pick from this, as the whole poem is superbly written...I am awe struck with the talent you possess, Poet...
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A holding your head up write!
i - like -> what music and post cards do for you and the pillows like lungs or hearts... deflated, punctured, collapsed
ii - liking -> sore for not being able to say sorry for touching you, inside of your heart, me... in your euphoria, I left fingerprints (beautiful!).
iii - nice -> icy retinas locking onto warm, trying to see past the frost. Ouch, kick her when she's down.
iv - cool -> all the if I told you // would you ->
I let you out with the tears // tell me not to cry?
its hard to breathe... empty... coated with dust // give me any air?
I miss yous taking up too much space, pounds a hole in my chest, slipped in tears and can't get up // would you pick me up?
v - way cool -> trying to drown you out in crowds and runaway memories.
I like the trying to find someone like me - I think that is very important.
Excellent!
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absolutely wonderful ... beautiful, open-hearted broken images. thanks.
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this was one of the most beautifull saddening things iv ever read. how beautiful. im so happy i was lucky enough to get to read i
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i am
very very very
impressed by you.
and more than a little jealous.
this was fantastic.
"I have retinas like ice.
when they lock onto something warm, they stick
& for the rest of the night I stumble around,
trying to see past the frost that’s formed."
awesome simile. probably one of the most unique & inspired i've ever seen. kudos kudos kudos
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Beautiful poem. Long for my tastes, but a dynamic piece nonetheless. You have a good deal of talent!
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I know right
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This is just gorgeous! For someone so young you have expressed emotion beyond your years in a way that seems very mature!! The imagery in here is fantastic also. Touches the heart! Well done!
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Simply beautiful and an amazing write!
I can't believe that you only received
one Gold for this one. I wish you the
best of luck in this next contest. Keep
up the wonderful work here!
Jeremy0826 -
wow how beautiful this is, i loved reading every line.
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Your poems are always filled with great emotion as well as phenomenal imagery. And your word usage is great. This one is no exception.
Congrats on your Today's Poem nomination
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This was so full of genuine emotions & true beauty within your words. I loved it. Truly an amazing write. Your vocabulary in this is brilliant.
Thanks for entering & best of luck
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Wow. That was excellent. You did a fantastic job with this. Congratulations on the trophies you've won with this, and the trophies to come.
Write on.
~*~SP~*~
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Good
This was a good piece over all.
It is very hard to impress me with love poems because they all seem so cliche to me. You've got my interest though.
Good luck in the contest -
HOLY FREAKIN CRAP!! that was amazing I really love how I was strung from one line to the next. GOOD STUFF!! great job
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DAMN!!!
Normally, poems of this topic bore the balls off me, but you drew me in with the first word, and I'm not surprised to see more than one trophy with this one.
"sometimes postcards & music notes
can hold my head higher than these deflated pillows
like punctured lungs or collapsed hearts.
sometimes I think about you."
I love how all these unrelated things become cohesive when you bring together (e.g. postcards & music notes).
"deflated pillows" is definitely a bleak one.
"sometimes I think about you."<--not an inherently unique thought, but it fits SO well here after all that uniquity above. Brings the reader back to your original thought.
"you say your fingers are sore.
you say you've been trying to pluck out melodies
from a piano that's lost its tune."
Wow, I love that. Not only did you use the correct form of 'its' (very rare!), but this is just brilliant!! Plus, I think it's significant (maybe?) that you use the word 'say', rather than something like 'believe'. What you say isn't necessarily what you believe, after all...Very deep. I love those lines!!
"to see if there were any pieces of me floating around in your euphoria
but it was delicate."
Wow...love the word 'euphoria', and the 'but' you used there has a nice narrative touch.
"pieces of me"<--a tad cliched...I'm undecided whether I like it or not.
"I have retinas like ice.
when they lock onto something warm, they stick
& for the rest of the night I stumble around,
trying to see past the frost that’s formed."
Clever..."retinas like ice" is SUCH a great simile.
"you knew."
Poignant & brief. Definitely deserved the separate line you gave it.
"that dust has coated my lung
& filled my vacant spaces,
would you give me any air?"
A little reminiscent of song lyrics. Groovy.
"if I told you that I wrote this poem at two am
because the I miss you’s were taking up too much space"
Again, I get a song lyrics vibe.
Also...corny & yet you make it not-so. You make it feel...real.
"& now I’m thinking of all the faces I scanned today,
trying to drown you out in crowds & runaway memories."
Love that!!! I love this looking-back-on-what-I-did-today thing...and "runaway memories" is gorgeous--I'm going to steal that.
"someone/like me."
Definitely makes me think of the book by Sarah Dessen of the same name...very good book, have you read it?
I love this & I'm bookmarking.
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wow
thank you so much for that comment!
I love long detailed comments, especially when (like you) they offer constructive criticism.
I'll be sure to check out some of your stuff & take your advice into consideration when I write my next piece.
again, thanks!
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This was deeply beautiful!
The pain silently waftes around this write, making it even more melancholous!
" pluck out melodies
from a piano that's lost its tune. "
Splendid way of referring to self!
"if I told you that sometimes you push yourself between my eyelids
until I can't help but let you out with the tears,
would you tell me not to cry?"
I wonder, how anyone would answer that question! Awesome imagery!!
A truly wonderful write!
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OOh you hit my weak spot
this is one of my favourite of your poems
"sometimes I think about you."
this line reminds me of 'Birds' by Kate Nash (great song lyrics)
"& by the time I blinked them open
you were gone."
sad, and relatable = powerful.
Mmm, pure poetic love
thanks for the entry!
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wow..wow..wow
I have nothing more to say other than more WOWS.I only have tears pouring form every fiber of my body..very powerful writing...you deserve the gold for sure. -
Holy Crapola!
Wow! I'm just so totally blown away by this piece..I'm seriously speechless. So I'm gonna start off with this line:
you say you've been trying to pluck out melodies
from a piano that's lost its tune.
There's just so much imagery and creativity exploding out of those 2 lines. I actually visualized this picture in my mind while I was reading, and it gave me chills! Chills! No poem has EVER done that to me, so this must be something amazing!
but all I ever needed was someone avoiding the fluorescent lights,
tripping around broken lamps,
& maybe trying to find someone
like me
Another OUTSTANDING stanza to your poem. Wow! The originality and depth are waaayy up there! It's like I can almost feel what you're feeling. Wel you just blew my mind so I better cut it short before I write a story about it, lol! Fantastic job and good luck!
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wow..
the first poem i've read tonight, and although my attention span is usually embarrasingly small, i read this poem in one sitting (the teapot went off somewhere in the fourth stanza, and i finished reading before fixing my tea).
a wonderful read, thank you.
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you're so fucking talented.
i can't even begin... i can't and won't. my opinion on your work is... beyond anything i could explain.
wonderful. wonderful. wonderful.
i need not even wish u luck. u don't need it. you're far too awesome at this. teehee
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you're too kind.
but seriously, it's not that great.
i've had writer's block for the past like.. month
so i'm trying to get through it by writing a poem a day... not working out too well
anyways, thanks so much i'm glad you enjoy my writing even if i don't.
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Thank you... this was beautifully written, full of emotion, and had magnificent imagery...I hope he finds you I'm so glad I have.
Well done...
Ken
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This was a very unique piece and I enjoyed reading it. Good luck in the contest!
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Stunned
I loved the whole thing. Honestly there isn't a line that didn't touch me somewhere...retina's of ice...I loved that line, amazing imagery. I cannot write in this format, or maybe I can, I've never tried, but you did a fantastical job. Bravo dear heart....I was amazed.~mandie~
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stanza 3 is beautiful
'why not kick her when she's down' LOVE that
and the rest obviiii
and i like stanza 2&4 also
your awesome
good job on the silver aanika <33 -
i like verse 3 with the "retinas like ice"...sounds great ...i enjoyed this piece... thanx for sharing
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I like the things you do.
Let me ask, you like vampires? Then you would like my poem " creature of the night" or "things that go rqamped" if you check it out, I hope you enjoy them both.
Adding your comment:
1 - 60 of 60
