You splatter brevity
up stages,
levels creating bigger traps
and deceptions
exhausting eyelids that
draw blanks along
cardboard bridges
[waiting to collapse]
I fall,
losing heartbeats within affection,
unable to inhale your lies.
Your lips crack; unstable,
forming wrecks beneath foundations,
where paused for years
are ruins,
entirely attracted
to death.
Author notes
Picture Credit: rays of reflection by ~ssilence
"Poets are basically suicides
living life to the fullest."
A contest entry
- i deserve gold by Nicolette.
700 points, ended August 12, 2008, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Seasons... [prewrites permitted] =] by sora..
600 points, ended September 20, 2008, 59 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Now you tell me:
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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I really, really like this piece. It's really good, and I like the picture you've chosen. The poem really flows well and it's really great. Thanks for entering.
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you depressing git.
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yeah, I lov e you too lol
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cardboard bridges is very good
cracked lips is always cool
but you have definitely improved
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I love this one of yours. Thank you for entering the contest, good luck!
♥
whisper
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love this
oh my god
youre a great writer
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I thought I commented this? Booo I stink
Anyhoo, I really loved this. The lines look jagged and all over the place, but when you read it, it rolls off my [mental] tongue
I also liked the word-play with " up stages". I don't know if you meant to, but it could also be used as "upstage" which fits the situation well, methinks. Wonderful job m'love! 
Jeanette*~
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you've penned some deep emotions within this poem and the "emotional imagery" you have written really aids in making the reader feel the pain
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Some intense emotions expressed here through the use of fresh images and phrasing. It is such an interesting poem and I must say, it looks so good on the page! The first line is a bit confusing but the 2nd line clears things up a bit (if you know what I mean). The ending is the strongest part of this poem but "cardboard bridges" is such a wonderful line too. A fine piece of writing - thank you for this entry.
~ Nicolette
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As I'm writing total pith at the momment, I don't really feel I can offer any advice to another poet.
So i'll say sorry for being a shadow and wish you well dear niece.
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an error:
Pleasant shadow -
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this is wicked chandni *hugs*
good luck in the contest and take care
Stephanie ♥
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wow that was wonderful congrades your a finalist
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Thank you
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A wonderful piece of writing here my dear -
I hope all is well with you.
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All in well, I just am not on here a lot. and I guess I've lost any sort of emotion. So that hurts - but a different kind of hurt.
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This is absolutely amazing. Best of luck in the contest.
♥
whisper
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Thank you
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Oh, my! Very interesting take on the prompt...I like it.
Just reading GreenHrt's comment...I was thinking "up-stage" ? My mind kept wanting to insert "fall" in S3 also...even on the 3d and 4th reading, but "fail" certainly makes sense too. My only other thought was to get rid of "that" at the end of L1, S2...but then it sort of changes the meaning a wee bit unless you want "exhausted" instead of "exhausting"...so never mind after all.
The ending to this is perfect, and I love the "cardboard bridges" lines...very visual...and something I feel like I'm walking across every day lately.
Nice job as always!
Love ands
~J.
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Changed fail
Thank you
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hmm. the phrasing of the second two lines in stanza one seems off to me. Also, how would 'up-staged' sound? *is an actor...hahah* Did you mean 'I fall" a the start of stanza three? I would think so comparing it to the previous line 'collapse.' Your ending is a killer! Some great stuff here!
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Hrm. I don't much like 'up-staged' - but i'll take your advice on fall
Thankies
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a very intense piece. thank you so much for entering. love, lane
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Beautifully expressed with metaphors and the flow like leaking sap from old tree's. C
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Very Cool~~~snaps fingers and closes eyes~~
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