A Fight:
the white rock
bounces across dark heavy sand-
inaudiable pain
The Number Three (TNT for short):
three apple scented candles
and boxes of matches beside the three-
chidren's corpses
Author notes
Please don't fret about 5-7-5...I'm practicing for haikumonk's class. Please say how it may improve, if being critical.
Which one is better?
Comments
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Yes, these are good. They mostly have clear images and that is a good strength to have as a haiku poet.
I
'm not sure "inaudable pain" quite works in a haiku as it's more of a statement than an image.
The morbid haiku could also be shorter and more concise. But it's good - quite moving in its tragedy.
Best wishes,
Myron.
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