Skin bleeds unknowingly
as souls lost are wondering,
"Where am I?"
Tittering backwards, forwards;
never going one way or another.
Hypnotized by life's pull
they stand thinking,
"Why am I here?"
Indecisive minds come conclusive;
"I'll let others decide my fate."
Author notes
Do NOT use the Filler Words, *the, and, is, of, that, to*
*POM Contest*
Theme: What does a cutter, suicidal, schizo or any other person think while 'talking' to their therapist?
In a list
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1250 points, ended August 1, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What to do in an insane world?
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Hi there and welcome to the POM.
I agree with my co-judges...there’s a lot more you “could” have put into this...and yet...I’m actually very happy with what you have here. It is very “to the point”, close to being what I consider minimalist, yet still giving me the imagery I need to form a good picture in my mind of where you were going in your message. And frankly...if you can bring across your message in 40 or 41 words...there might not be a point to adding another 50 just for the heck of it...but like all of this review, that’s MO.
This, to me, transcends a cutter or suicidal person...I think a LOT of people (myself included, at times) are content to let others make important decisions in their lives when the choices get too tough.
Okay, technically...there are a couple places I think commas are needed...both grammatically and to slow the poem down (especially since it is so short)
“as souls (comma) lost (comma) are wondering,”
“they stand (comma) thinking,”
Also, if you are able to, I’d rather see your last line italicized to show thoughts, rather than in quotation marks. Not a big thing and no point deduction though. That’s really all I have for you...a very solid entry in the contest. Thanks so much for your entry!
Good luck and Best wishes,
~J. -
Hi and welcome to the POM I have not seen any rules broken on your entry.Now onto your poem.I have seen this written for alot since I have been a member here and some by me.
This poem was rather sad and dark I can relate to the topic of the poem and I wish you would of went into further and used all the 20 lines that you were allowed.I wanted more of thoughts through this.Goodluck in the contest best wishes and much luck. My score will be sent in with my closing notes and posted at the end of the contest. -
Aloha and welcome!!
This is well penned....could have used more, imagery, depth...but all in all a very worthy write!
Best wishes in the contest!
My scores will appear in final notes.
REMEMBER: No editing once a judge has commented!
Write on!
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I've seen a lot of writes on depression and therapists - but this is very nicely done....I just wanted more. Your first few lines have great wording and make a strong start to this - but I really wish you had gotten 'into' this a bit more for impact, images and emotion. Still, all in all, a very nice entry.
** No editing once a judge has commented.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
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Hello
First impression.....I believe, I would switch S's 2 & 3 around....as it brings *they* up to *souls*....and you also won't lose the Tone of your write ~
For so few words...astonishingly brilliant Lasting Impression left upon me ....however, for only a moment....and I think, is it because there was only so much to ingest....as far as info....lines...other thoughts ~
I like to see Power in such a few words, but....sometimes, it can leave me without enough to base my scores on, OTHER than areas of critique which I do ~
After I read this a few times....the Imagery takes over, and I am inside your story ....nice job ~
Will it do well in other areas?
Let's see
Good luck and God bless,
Bear ~
Title 9.85...caught my attention...works well both ways -
Flow 9.8....nice job...poetically direct, and lots of depth for so few words -
Depth 9.5....lots of depth....just not enough of it -
Theme 8.9...Very common....but I enjoy Writers who can write these well -
Feelings 9.5....I enjoyed your personification with this Disease -
Grammar 9.65....simple, yet afective -
Presentation 9.5...simple...not much to format -
Uncommonness 8.5....This is not original, has been done many times -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.6..pondered only for a moment...wanted more ImPact -
Ability to follow Rules 10...perfect....nice challenge on the Filler Wods -
Bears Score: 94.8
Over-all...just wanted a tad more info....nice job though!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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wow another awesome write by you....... this is good... thanks for sharing this and gooood luck in contest....... think i might enter.. not sure... but i know i wont beat yours....... so i may not lol... hugs
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If we were held responsible for what we thought, therapist or not, I shudder ti think where we all would be. Probally not on the therapist couch "Heheh" But that just goes to show you... Never go up into your head unescorted. This was a powerful write f
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like this idea, all the thought for these tragic events. sad, yet poignant, especially for a short write.
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this is amazing, you have obyed all the horrid rules and you didnt use any of the filler words. its owerful with provoking imagery. well done
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Oooh, I liked this ! Especially how you didn't use any filler words. That is a definite challenge, I don't think I could do it :] You wrote such a beautiful image & the poem I can just relate so well too. Amazinggg. Good luck in that contest you entered ! ♥
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