With words from the heart
I ever got has been anger
Despair like I’ve never felt rises
Deep within my loving heart
You take all I’ve given to you
In return hate and misery given me
I’ve had enough
I’m through
Tonight while the fight lives
Within my done heart and mind
I take this abandoned knife
Then jam it into your heart
Maybe now you’ll feel
A little bit of how I feel
I stand over you while you die
Fighting for every breath
As the blood runs out
I feel a little joy inside
As you die at my feet
I tell you I hate you
Author notes
suicide mission
A contest entry
- REALLY Not For The Weak: Ultra-Deluxe Suicide-Edition by Immortal Obscurity.
1750 points, ended August 12, 2008, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I agree with hiraeth, in that repetition of the wrong words can weaken the poem. It got better towards the end, but the last few lines were so cliche that I almost died of an emo-overdose. For a poem that is supposed to be full of pain, there was just way too much happiness in it, and it just didn't sit right.
Thanks for entering. -
The font is hard to read with the background. You might want to consider changing the colour of either. A white font on a dark background works well enough, dw i'n meddwl.
Okay, now it's time to look at the actual poem.
As I've told pretty much everyone I've commented on for this contest, poetry is a lot more effective when you show your readers instead of simply saying something. Here are some suggestions:
01) Vary your sentence structure and expand your vocabulary. You'll grow as a writer and will find that you'll be able to convey more complex situations without sounding like every other talentless preteen wanker like you do here.
02) Stay away from cliches. I read some of your other poems in addition to this, and I have to say that "spot the cliches in Tracy's so-called poetry" would make a great drinking game -- one sip for each cliche. I mean, I'd be drunk on lager at the end of a fucking haiku of yours.
03) Try poetic devices. Show people your pain, as simply saying you're in pain isn't very concrete. In fact, it's boring. Get out of your comfort zone, stay away from cliches, and stop using the word "heart" so often. This isn't powerful at all for a poem you meant to be filled with hate.
-hiraeth -
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Dude, that game would be AWESOME! And we'd get totally smashed with most of the poetry on here
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I really need to get drunk after reading too much shit and writing essays all day today
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Wow.. I followed another poem to this contest and starting reading everything else that was written within it and I have to say of all of them this one seemed to reach out to me the most and actually make me "feel" something. The rage, hurt, anger, SCREAMS... Its all there. Well done on this peice I really enjoyed it.
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