The little lights of stars always onward spinning,
once held so that fingers brushed with suns at the beginning,
but astro heights of evolving minds break moral code,
for cosmos words are near impossible to hold.
The truth is spinning fast and always comes around,
if not so shallow gaze, we'd see a vision more profound.
The truths of earth, love and peace are held beyond our hand,
but just with minds, hearts and eyes people can understand.
Light years pass, the message lost when traveling moon to star,
and machines living without hearts invest in the bazaar.
Robots out in timeless space feel only for their own,
we further look for intelligence and discover we're alone.
Alone with phony stars netted to curtains black,
that hold lives on growing earths so quickly falling back.
For human kind is aging young and ticking thoughts all small,
open your ears to hear the songs of cosmos wise call.
Author notes
this speaks of the truth of the Universe (peace and love and understanding)and how so many ignore it
we must not ignore it....
dedicated to CookieZeal
A contest entry
- The Poetic Universe by Sprite.
1600 points, ended August 10, 2008, 14 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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The rhyme and rhythm in this are spectacular, it flows beautifully and keeps the reader interested. Your message comes through clearly.
Well penned.
~lost
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I like your entry. It is intelligently written. The middle two stanzas have the best flow. The meter is definitely not as good in the last stanza, but only one line seems out of sync in the first stanza (third line.)
Your journey through space appears to have brought you to that place of understanding ourselves better. That is what I think about when I look up into the sky. Who are we? What else is there?
Your personification of robots as feeling doesn't ring true to me though.
Also, there are some poets who will prefer the rhyme scheme be more sophisticated, but I'm not one of them who quibbles about that.
The line should be "discover WE'RE alone." Last line: "cosmos'." It will help the meter too!
Good luck in the contest. ~ Joyce
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thanks
this poem is not great when it comes to the rhyme or rhythm but the message it conveys it important.
the robots are not actual machines, but they are like robots for conforming to their alien society where no man helps another.
thanks again
cassie
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Hi there!
Know what I think?
You've got something to say...worthy of saying it in a way. You're like me. I am always a work in progress. (and are aware of typo/misspells...good for you!) That's what separates the would-bees from the DO-bees.
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*Suggestions*
I would whittle this down as much as possible. Length isn't as necessary as content and with the beautiful pallette of words you're painting, shorter clips or body might be better.
"Light years pass and the message lost when traveling moon to star,
and machines live without pure hearts and invest in things bazar."<---- maybe juggling that would help 'close' it with suggestion instead of ending it with an adjective. They're like loose threads on a hem.
Otherwise, you've done a marvelous job adhering to the contest-holder's requirements.
Good for you.
Thank you!
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Thanks so much, my poetry is never really finished, there is always something to fix and tinker with. I'm glad you get the meanings and such, some people, even poets, can't read between and underneath the words to find the emotions and messages.
cassie
cassie
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This is pretty good. I wouldn't say peace, love, and understanding has anything at all to do with the universe though. that's more of something created by sentience.
All alone with phony stars netted to secrete curtains black,
I love that line though. good luck in the contest. -
Thank you for entering. I will further comment later. Now I would like to ask you to spell and grammar check, and read what I said about Earth in the contest. Nice beginning. Thanks~
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This piece is not really finished yet so bare with the mistakes and stuff. thanks.
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lovely imagery.
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