Old leaves waltz in yards--
spiraling to the corners
moves once taught in trees.
Reminiscing, I too wish
I was green with youth again.
Andrew Hide
09~01~2004
Author notes
Written January 9th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- Tanka - The Contest by Harlequin Bunny.
300 points, ended February 2, 2004, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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I like the repetition sounds of "s" and "z" throughout the poem. It blends well not only the subject and feel of it. Well thought out. Smooth read
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I could not agree more with the sentiments in this tanka...Your pivot is wonderful and this is a fantastic tanka...well done!!
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all is good
I like your tanka, charming, light and meaningful. I have much to learn in this eastern arena. So I think that I’ll read more of yours, lol. Be well. Well done.
SirPort
Edited on Aug 14, 7:54 p.m. because 'typo'. -
Wow..this is truly a beautiful poem. In this poem there are 33 syllables{6-7-6-7-7} and so, I believe it is not a tanka as it has crossed 31 syllables. Is L4 the pivot line in this poem or is it L3? I loved how your feelings are poured out in the last two lines when you say that reflecting back how dearly you wish that you were young again{I like how you compared green with youth}. Your poem is simple, concise and a reflection of nature. In minimal words, a very beautiful image is put forth. The 5 lines of this poem seamlessly flow into one thought combining nature and you. I like the background and the title very much. I also wanted to ask you...just like a haiku writer is called a haijin, is there a similar term for a tanka writer?
Thanks,
Charishma -
That was nice Andrew, I like the twist at the end. Instead of green with envy, you stick with the nature theme and it rounds out the whole thing very well.
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oh my, you are good at this! all the hyperbole seems insufficient for this, I'm left to try and make 'astounding' sound something new. Deeply moved by this, and bookmarking to soothe my soul. thank you
Sheona -
wonderful
simply beautiful.that's a verdantly wonderful write.you are a definite contender,i think.good luck. -
A very nicely written, inspiring and beautiful Tanka. The last line is awesome and the whole poem filled with longing for what has passed. This is terrific and in perfect form.
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Well, there really isn't much more to say! lol This is gorgeous, pure and simple .. true mastery of the classic tanka form! Thank you for entering!
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Thank heavens I am still on the tree. a little hint of yellow around the edges, but i think that is summer fade, not the first touches of autumn. This is lovely, I do like the comparison as well, I just hope that I am allowed to slowly pass away and not get chopped up by some industrial sized mulcher.
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this is really good, the imagery and nature inspires feelings expressed so well in the poetry. I'm not familiar with tanka but i think i shall definately check out more as a result of this great write! well done! i'm off to check out your haiku!
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Loved it!!!
Stunning!
Mari
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Excellent !!!! in every way >
Absolutely wonderful and pure ..In my eyes everything a traditional Tanka should be .. I can't say enough ,so I'll just say thank you for sharing with us ~ Skinwalker -
Very well done
This is a very well written short poem, with an excellent comparison. Too bad we can't have our "green youth" with our old wisdom! -
This is SOMETHING nice done. But with respect real youth is in the heart whatever old leaves might let you wish.
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very good
Beauty. While I too would love to re-experience the years of my youth again I would really miss the wisdom I have gained. No, I think I will remain older and happier.
Wonderful poem.
John -
elegant and evocative...and truly brilliant
Ah....Andy-me-darlin'! What a gem you created here. This has the oriental feel of a thing culled to its very essence and then displayed softly and with elegant simplicity. I know that desire for a return to youth that such mundane images can create...but, I must always remind myself..."it's not easy being green".
(Sorry...but you know me by now and know I couldn't possibly resist.) This is magnificent....you prove me correct in having you securely on my fav's list...where I can watch every pen-stroke you post. Thanks for sharing this absolutely lovely poem.
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Very nice, I liked this alot, I love comming over here and reading your postings they are the freshest I've seen in a long time. This one really says it all...to be young again...nice very nice......peace abel
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