layers
of thinly veiled veneers
provide obscurity
from true intentions,
your emotions dried
by a box of tissues
with a white-knuckle grip -
you think you're so convincing
but you will never deceive me
Author notes
Okay, so my muse isn't really cooperating. Sorry to disappoint.
Pic: "Mask.ed" by EvonT
http://evont.deviantart.com/art/Mask-ed-92059687
A contest entry
- Individualized Pictures #3 reMIXED by notorious.
2788 points, ended August 1, 2008, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you really think. Criticism welcomed.
Comments
1 - 36 of 36
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this is really nice. i like your vocabulary, especially, "obscurity" i really like this poem, its nice and short. you didn't outdo yourself. great job! =D
by the way, i like your photos. did your husband take them?
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Thank you so much for your kind words.
"Obscurity" is certainly a delectable and interesting word.
My husband took the photos on my author's page, but not the ones on this poem. They were assigned to me for a prompt, and are from DeviantArt.com - the link is in the author's notes.
Thank you again!
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Kudos on the HM Allie
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this poem is not disappointing at all..you have talent and it really shows it through this writing whether it's long or short, big or small..impressive write..you've put a lot of depth in it..well done!
Keep penning!!!
Lieu
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I see your notes and I'm not disappointed. I think this poem express a deep emotion is very few well ordered and chosen words. Well done!
Love,
Amera♥
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I love your use of vocabulary, you make simple ideas look beautiful..
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You paint strong images with this piece. I loved the feel of the first two stanzas. They have nice details and set up your theme well. You need to stop apologizing for your work though.
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thank you - it just ended too weakly
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I think it's cooperating
This was one of those things I could read...have read... over a few times and gain more insight and understanding each time. I am quite awed actually, there's alot more to this then meets the eye..in my opinion Several descriptions as to the true intentions of the mask as well as it's materials..peel away the layers and what might one find?...
Anyway, thoroughly enjoyed, I think it's amazing!
♥
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such quiet determination and so simply told.
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invigerating
There is not a dissappoinging line to speak of here. I think it is powerful, and speaks of the way many relationships turn out.
Way too many people in this world will be able to relate to this sadness.
Your a wonderful writer, keep it up,
KoS
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Excellent
I love this type of poetry. So many images and feelings expressed in a few words. I don't find this poem disappointing at all. Good luck to you and keep writing. ~Peace~Gar
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Maniipulative
Sorry about the poor quality of my last comment--in a hurry today--busy--you may have run out of steam but the poem ended right where it should.
Good write. -
Manipulative
I thought your poem was good and to the point--it nailed your what you wanted to say. I am more a content person--if the poem speaks to me--I know the situation you describe--I don't know why people want to deceive--it always ends up with nothing but pain with no gain--best to be what you are and be taken for what for what you are.
Good luck with your photos--I used to live with a camera in my hand--the last few years I have gotten away from it.
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I like this. You had a crazy picture lol.
It's short, but your words aren't contrived, THANK YOU for that. and I didn't feel like I was chewing on a thesaurus either 
the ending was a tad....flat. But; it was not terrible by any means, I just think, a bit stronger language could be used.
Thanks for entering and g'luck!
-sailor ptolema -
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The picture wasn't THAT insane
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Your muse is just fine. This is excellent. What a perfect and unique response to the picture. You continue to amaze me with your talent.
Garrison
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Can't even get mad at you, Allie. You display any more talent and there's gonna be an a** kicking...
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Haha... thanks. I think this one sucks for me. But hey, can't force your muse all the time!
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LoL, you could never disappoint me
"thinly veiled veneers"
Okay, the choice of word 'veneers' is not only awesome alliteration (I'm a sucker for alliteration when it's done well!)...but 'veneers' makes me think of falsity (e.g. Hollywood, where no one has their real teeth!
) I like the meanings you mishmash into 3 words.
"your emotions dried/by a box of tissues"
Definitely one of the highlights here. Not only does this suit the pic, but it reads off so callously, like the narrator doesn't give a shit!
Bring on the guns...sorry about that.
Anyways.
"white-knuckle grip"
It isn't really necessary...but 'knuckle' could be 'knuckled' to match all the other -ed words. Or maybe not. To be honest, I don't care.
"you think you're so convincing/but you will never deceive me"
Those last 2 lines have some KILLAH boldness.
But...I think they those last 2 lines could be better. Just a little, because with you, there isn't much room for improvement...just a tiny, tiny crevice.
Thanks for entering, heh!
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You're right about the ending... but what can I say? I ran out of steam!!!
I'll think about it... but no promises.
THANKS!
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You tell me when your genius is done tinkering
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working on posting right now
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Hell yeah
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If you want another one, just tell me. Though I'm inclined to let you have fun with this one
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hmmm... I'm trying to think of something to go with it... I'll continue to try but send me something else just in case (that way I can go ahead and start thinking of something) Please
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http://evont.deviantart.com/art/Mask-ed-92059687
or
http://porcelainpoet.deviantart.com/art/Red-riding-hood-82027750
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Haha... those are both great. I really love "Mask.ed" though. Thanks
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Can't wait
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Hahaha I love your preview lines
http://fairystories.deviantart.com/art/Dream-house-92381244
I have a feeling you could do something FABULOUS with this... -
i shall let her pic!
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wow... your avatar pic is GORGEOUS!
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ahahaha on please; flattery is not necessary
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I wasn't trying to flatter. I just really love that pic.
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well thank you
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Psshhh
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