we were entwined in the violet of my rug
the black velvet of your hair
against the curve of my neck.
i held you close enough to
share one heartbeat. i felt,
with your tiny fingers at my breast,
a motherly inclination
to move your body so that'd
fit mine comfortably.
could almost believe you were mine
a tiny treasure carried in my own womb
your almond eyes crinkled at the edges
what a smile
i found beauty in you.
the beauty of 4 am rises
for bottles of warm milk; ancient lullabies
soiled diapers and soft, soft skin
the beauty of first words,
little feet progressing steps-half taken
and..good night wishes under the stars.
deep in this beauty i found
will for tomorrow
pretty baby...you woke me up.
Author notes
Autumns Rising: Dani
this was written about my 2 year old neice. She is my inspiration. No matter the direction in which my day went, either her laughter or her mischevious smile makes my day so much better =]
this is for me
Comments
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good
dani, this is beautiful. this reminds me of katie and kelly [my little sisters, who are twins] - i could be having an awful day, but their smile would give me some sort of optimism - so i can totally relate to this.
i thought the beginning was fantastic. the beginning of the middle was just as good. the second to last stanza was good [meaning-wise] but otherwise it was just...well, it could have been stronger.
same with the ending, it didn't have that profound big-bang effect i was hoping for.
i don't particularly like "pretty baby" - maybe it is a personal thing, but at the same time, it does sound rather cheesy.
i wasn't sure about the repetition of beauty at first, but after you repeated it several times it became obvious that it was intentional.
coming back to "pretty baby" - not a good title. i think you could have gone deeper.
the imagery in the beginning was good, and you had some strong symbols and metaphors - but the poem would have been more cohesive if you would tied those imageries in at the end.
the imagery was strong, but your ideas weren't consistent. this wasn't well thought out. there is more than the general idea - there is the poetic devices; with the poetic devices there are the metaphors and imageries...you have to make sure it all comes around full circle; otherwise, it's a "Make it up as i go along" kind of thing. It is always better to have the main metaphor carried out - from beginning to end.
besides that,
the poem you do have here is strong. it is definitely good. it could be better though.
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tyler
thanks for your comments and critique. its appreciated =]
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awwwwww!!! I love this so so much. I am planned to have my first baby today and I was up all night so sick and in pain and this poem reminded me of what all this labor is for. Your niece sounds utterly beautiful and precious. She is lucky to have you love and cherish her so much. I am sure when she reads this you will return the inspiration she has given you back to her. It sure inspired me, now I am even more anxious to hold my baby girl's tiny fingers in my hand.
Amy -
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Whispered Devotions
First, congratulations on your baby girl! and i'm glad this poem inpsired you. thanks so much =]
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So sweet!
This is really a sweet write! And you penned it so well! I'm sure that when your niece gets old to read it she will absolutely love it! Reading this I cant help but think that you will make an excellent mother. Great write!
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aww
thank you so much for your kind words Jeb, it means alot
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This is so sweet... i read it twice. and i think i'lll read it again. you have serious talent have you tried to get any of this published yet? lol.. i mean seriously though. you could probably just take your entire allpoetrey collection or w/e and sell it as a book.
cause your a Poet.... not some kid who writes poetry...
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lol
i haven't tried getting published yet, but i'd definetely look into it. thanks chica =]
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