I can't Cry No More

sitting on the couch, up N my mom's house 'round 'bout four,
pressin' buttons, searchin' channels for my favorite T.V. show.
you know! that CSI miami, special unit, that new york and
interrupted by the sound of someone knockin at the door.
got up but, wasnt rushin' nothing. wasn't tryin' to miss it
'cus in a minuet thay'd be just about to catch the dude who did it.
then another knock, God dam it! i had to answer just to see,
who was doin all this bammin' while i'm trying to watch t.v..
it's my oldes son, my young'in, baby boy so i let him in
then i hugged him, said i loved him then i asked him how he'd been?
traded a word or two, then him let him do what ever it was he came to do.
probably come to see my lil' brother, probably play a game or two.
then my thinkin' went from CSI to Damn! my son is tall!

that's when the shame set in, cause i can't say i helped with that at all.
hardly payed him any mind, i din't find the time to even talk
or payed a single dime to help his strugglin' mother with the cost,
of what it takes to to raise a son, plus a daughter and not just those;
there were 5 more seed that i had sowed who neede my support.
what sort of man can stand him-self when he's faced with truth like that?
it tore my ass in two, cause it brings some other issues back.
like the ones i had with my dad, who never eventried.
came to find he didn't want me so in court i was denied.
now i find i'm doin' the same damn thing he did, and that wont fit.
sh*#!... now caught in thought i say a prayer and in silence make a wish.

i wish that i could push aside my past to do some other kind
of mess so i, for one more time, see if i can somehow stay in line.
but if i coule, what could i possibly do that might by probably called brand new?
it might seen o.k. to you and you. i'd rather just admit i ain't got no clue
of what those changes will lead into; like more dumd sh*# to face up to.
the whys, the what, the hows, the who. the trying to cope with makin' due.
can't cry no more, cause they say that's weak; ain't no real inharitence left for the meak.
it's real embarrasing to turn the other cheek, carrying burdens where they ought to be.
the prayin' always begging God for help with sh*# i s'posed to did my-self;
like gainin' all that promised wealth and stayin' in the prime of health,
and learnin' my way around some things, chasin' after all my dreams
without lettin' nothin' come between, cause what hustlin' truely means.
that now and that tommarrow thing that makin' it through today gone bring.
just waitin' won't create no green, proper payment is all i need.
bump that other stupid sh*#! it's a must, i need to get
my-self up out this endless pit and try to get what i'm gone get.
but somewhere in it i must have missed, got mixed up somewhere in the midst
of wanting and actually doin' it to get in where i'm trying to fit.

don't make no sense at all to me, not knowing what i was called to be;
unsure of when to fight or flee. i'd give my draws up just to be
'bout business, thats it yaw'll, fo sho'! in need of kickin' down some dough
to feed my kids cause they need to know, i'm at least in a position to show
that i'll be there when they need dad the most.
there is no place that thier dad won't go.
i've done some things in life i aint too proud to say, TODAY, i did.
i've been denying it to find that now' the time to shed my skin
and let all that sh*# go, gone and throw all that bull away.
let it out. begin again by wiping all those tears away.

so i prayed today that prayer would keep my safe for goodness sake.
i felt a little unappreciated and i can't alleviate
the pain from all the pressure when my focus deviates
becaus i'm flesh, but in my spiritual, i lyrically create.
in my dreams i navigate through states of reason, rhyme and thought.
yet, feel i'm way too late to come back from a loosing battle fsught.
so i save the tears for later, just in case again i'm caught
off in the madness of today and pains from yesterday i've brought.

i did intend to be the best when i was better at the worst.
i did begin a test and didn't read the questions firt.
i did pretend and bend to sin to quench my worldly thirst.
and, then again, i did content with a little mischief in the church.
And yes, of coarse i lied to moms at time to beat the beatings.
i denied to sleal and rob, but i couldn't stop the cheating.
i did make my lady sob. i didn't give a reason for my leaving,
i just packed my bags, kissed my kids then said see ya when i see ya.

i fell in love with love, but love was never where i fell.
i never knew what stupid was until my ass got locked in jail.
see, stupid is as stupid does; those stupis thoughts were stupid thinking.
that's why i'm still off out here crying, steadily fighting and steadily sinking.
as i try to cope with this nonsense i was preaching to my-self
about my dreams and every conseguence from the cards that i was dealt.
i looked up for a moment while i was wreestling with my-self
and cought a glimps of my young son, who reminded me of my-self.

his eyes still full of hope, cause all he saw from them was me.
he didn't come to see my brother, it was i he came to see.
he told me once that when he got older, all he want's to be
is moslty like is father. Dam!!! he wants to be like his daddy?!
what was i to say to that? what was i to do?
my child had saw in my something in life that he aspired to.
because of him, i can't feel shame anymore. it was useless from the start of it.
now that i overstand it, i don't want no part of it.
a child would pull me from the bottom, so bottom bottoms up to those who know,
that now i have no need to cry, so i can't cry no mo'.