Song: “Question Existing”, Rihanna.
There was a moment this morning when I thought about the fact that while most of the time I automatically wait around for life to tell me what to do, what to feel, etc., life and the world aren’t actually anything without us. It’s not the world that shapes the insecure person waiting for its indications, it’s the world that is shaped by that person.
Hm. This blog thing is more sober than I intended it to be. I’m not always in my “head in the clouds and in my own world” mood. I initially thought that I would write in that mood only.
One thing I’d like to include here, since I intend to put in most of the things that are part of me, is that often when I am writing, I stop and stare at the computer, and my mind is blank. I’m in the middle of writing something I feel intensely about, and which I feel strongly in my mind at that moment, and suddenly it’s all gone and I don’t feel that anything is worth writing about anymore. And I am doubting this paragraph I’ve just written, cos I think it sounds stupid. I shouldn’t care, I think. Yeah, I just keep thinking about what this blog actually represents, and keep answering to myself that it is not actually meaningful – that it is not actually me overall, but that it’s just disconnected fragments of me that don’t sum up to anything on the whole. Hopefully I’ll read this in a year and find that it all makes more sense than I think it does, now.
Plus I often think that what I am writing is nothing special – maybe it’s just cos I’m used to it (me). I just also want to distanciate myself from what I’m writing, to then look at it and try to see what actually makes me.
“Dancing at discos, eating cheese on toast. Yeah, you make me merry, you make me very very happy, but you obviously… you didn’t want to stick around.” (“Merry Happy”, Kate Nash.)
Last thought: I wasn’t always this insecure… I have memories of when I was alone most of my time (not literally – I was in my own world, I mean) and was really fine. I had such a strong personality and mind – such strong views about life and everything. That was at the time when books spoke to me – I remember sitting down just anywhere (on the grass, on the floor, in an empty school corridor, etc.) with a book, and not needing anything else. Now, I open a book and read, and actually notice each single word I have just read, meaning that I’m not taking in the overall meaning of what I’ve read. We’re not on the same side anymore, books and I, and I end up doubting that the book can have any real effect on me, or that it could help with anything.
I think I need to learn how to be “alone”, again.
Kay, now I’ve been sitting around for a while and my life has almost come to a hold, cos my mind is no longer that active
I think I will go put this all on the internet, now.
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