“The songs are in your eyes… I seem them when you smile” (“Miracle Drug, U2 – links to what I was saying yesterday)
There are a lot of things I thought about yesterday, and that I wanted to write about in here, but oh well.
It’s morning. I didn’t sleep too well, so I’m a bit… unawake. My mind isn’t saying much – so many times I wished it would shut up and leave me alone, and it didn’t. But now, when I wouldn’t mind a little persisting thoughts – nada.
Song: “Belly love”, The Kooks.
The weather isn’t actually too nice today, so I might not go to the beach, where I usually have my thinkings, until my brain DOES get fried by the sun.
I was thinking yesterday that the reason why I feel I should write stuff and put it out there is that I’m not confident enough – I feel like I need to give explanations to certain people.
Sometimes I wake up, and feel dread. Like I’m lost and left behind, and there’s nothing this day could really give me. Not really pleasant as first thought of the day, cos my mind isn’t awake enough at that time to shake it off.
My “thought consciousness” is pretty low at the moment, so any flavour what I’m writing could have, it’s gone for me, for now.
There is some stuff that I thought about yesterday and that I intend to write in here, but later. I’m off. If I don’t feel something really intensely, I feel it’s not worth writing about. Maybe it is. Oh well. I’m not writing for now.
Song: “The Scientist”, Coldplay.
Song: none.
What I wrote yesterday, and part of what I wrote earlier came from a sort of “imagination and inspiration” mood. It is me, but I’m still a bit detached from it, cos it comes from a “special feeling”. It’s personal, but not all the time – that’s not who I am, all the time. Sometimes, like now, the stuff I write is serious. It’s not a really nice summer for me, this year – psychologically, I mean. Or maybe last year I was just more happy and tranquil because I wasn’t aware about certain things, and so just didn’t think about them. This year, I see that there are so many ways in which to see situations, and life in general, but I’m not completely worried about comparing myself to others, and about seeing things in the way that other people see them – the “right” way. This year, I just want to be consistent in what I believe and feel, which is turning out to be hard.
I remember there was a period of time where I was really confident and independent – I really appreciated every moment of life, and I knew how to be on my own. Anything I did, alone, wasn’t empty or boring. It was actually richer than most things I did with others. I think I was just okay with myself. At that time, all this “daydreaming” and imagination thing was just a thing I kept to myself – it was an extra thing that separated my world from others (which, at the time, was a good thing). Then I started feeling that I should be able to share that part of me with someone else, which of course I will never succeed in doing.
À propos – this is in fact what I also wanted to write about yesterday. You know when you really like a song – one maybe that you’ve known since you were a child, and that you heard over and over, and that stops the thoughts in your head at once every time you listen to it, and that just makes you feel good? You know when the song comes on in a place with people you know, and you just want them all to stop talking and listen to the song and feel what you feel (but usually they do none of this)? Well, that’s how I feel about my “imaginings” – imaginings which take up most of my time. I only know one person who suddenly became quiet at the same time as me, listening to a song in the way that I was. I never experienced that again.
I might seem like a really unhappy person, and a lot of the time I believe that I am. But when I touch the limit, rock-bottom, I realize that all of this “unhappiness” is part of my world – it’s not something bad. Sadness is beautiful. Plus this is the type of sadness I’ve known till now – and it doesn’t kill. It confuses, it hurts, but it’s not the real shit.
Song: “Little Red”, Kate Nash.
Song: “Look What You’ve Done”, Jet.
Sometimes I’m okay with all the shit that goes through my head. I like it – at least when the shit is what it used to be. I used to just imagine stuff which had no connection at all with my life, or with people I knew. Then I linked it to people I knew, and fucked it up. Then, it hurts, cos there’s a really bad clash between reality and imagination. And then I “wake up” and feel extremely absolutely stupid and illuded. Then I have my “Darling, don’t give me shit, cos I know that you’re full of it.” or “You don’t have to think about yourself all the time, you’re full of shit, you know” moments (“Shit Song”, Kate Nash).
This writing thing really dries up some imagination – maybe if I go off now, I’ll only be left with the good kind
.Nah, it really does hurt to know that I’ll never be able to share any of it with anyone. Oh great, now I’ve got myself thinking about other stuff that hurts even more. Shhhhh.
Song: “The Letter”, James Morrison.
S.F.S.N.S.R.S.T. & love
Wow. This “writing for others to read” thing really dries up certain stuff that fills my head and messes it up – the usual useless, drifting thoughts. Still feel weird about certain things, though – confused. I’ve got these times when I feel as if I’m missing out on something essential in life, and that I’m being left behind. That’s when I get pretty scared. I just can’t seem to leave some things behind me, because they were part of my life in more than one way. They also have become part of my world, aside from reality. If I let these things go, it’s also letting go of something that belongs to me.
Argh. Here we go again, in fact.
Argh.
I keep hearing the saddest song ever with each next song I listen to.
Hm. What if I’m kidding myself with this all? What if I’m uncovering skin, giving more space for arrows, for no good reason? What if everyone understands the certain distance that should be left between one’s life and others, except me?
Nah, oh well, this is how I want to live.
Song: “Don’t Matter”, Akon
Yeah, I’d like to say that if this blog thing seems to only be about me whining about my shit – I didn’t mean for it to be like that. It just inevitably gets in, since I’m the one writing. I’ll keep writing no matter what mood I’m in. It’s not going to be consistent, but hopefully it’s all more me than I can see now.
Yeah, also I didn’t intend to aim anything at anyone in particular. I think nothing is. But if it seems as if certain stuff is about certain people – then, I’m mostly writing generally, and…sorry, I didn’t mean it?
Song: “Get Busy”, Sean Paul.
That was a nice night. At moments like this one, I am perfectly capable of being distanced from others in “real” life, and of at the same time enjoying my own world, on my own. This is Benny. At these times, I don’t feel I should write in here, but that I should be out there living.
But it won’t last.
G’night.Very last word – then there is my R’n’B mood, where I kick ass (no, I’m not showing off – it feels as if I kick ass, lol. In other words: I feel confident) and ask no questions. And it’s not just about the dancing.
Adding your comment: