Song: “The Universe & U”, KT Tunstall
I’ve decided that even if it means I take risks, I will write in a blog. It can’t hurt putting out there what is already here anyway.
I’m sitting on my bed in Campomarino, Italy, listening to music and thinking about things. I never sit around without thinking – plus now it’s siesta time, so there is really not much to do. I think about a lot of things, even if it’s just one thought – about people, places, etc. Mostly my thoughts are hypothetical wonderings – even the thoughts I believe are based on reality are probably musings. Sometimes, these become too many and I take them too seriously – that’s when things go downhill.
But usually they (these musings and thoughts) are okay – they make my life colourful, because they are absolutely random, varied and mostly brought up by my imagination.
Thing is, since loads of thoughts pass through my head, some of them are inevitably about doubt. Yeah, I’m doubting this blog already.
“I wish you couldn’t figure me out, but you’d always wanna know what I’m about” (“Nicest Thing”, Kate Nash)
Hm. This feels weird. I’m writing this down on paper, to possibly later type it up.
Thing is, doubts aside, this blog thing would probably be good if ever one day I want to write, properly.
Even as I write, thousands of images and thoughts and sentences come to mind. Scary.
Yeah, I can’t write it all. And this entry is probably boring already. But one day I might just get better.
One thing I feel like saying is that sometimes when I talk to people, they think I’m talking superficially. But when I say something, I really mean it. Maybe I won’t understand what I’ve written anymore, in my mind, when I think about it later. But on the spot, when I say something, I really mean it, with no doubts – it’s really how I feel. So I know this blog might seem stupid, but it’s not something light. It actually reflects who I am.
Hm – here we go again… I’m thinking: why should I write this? Why would anyone read this – everyone’s got their own life. No one has time to look at ME, explained in so much detail.
Oh well – in any case, I’ve tried writing before, and I always stop writing, cos I know no one will read it anyway (in some cases, it’s better that way).
Song: “Good People”, Jack Johnson.
So, yeah, writing a blog will make me keep writing, I guess. Just the thought that maybe just even one person will read this.
Well, anyway. It’s pretty hot here. Not inside, where I am, though. I’ve got a Spanish-Italian, Italian- Spanish dictionary in front of me, on my bed – the mini-dictionary type. It’s a very significant language to me – just how it sounds inspires me. Plus the language is linked to whole new cultures that seem so different and amazing to me – Spain, Latin America…
Gah – are we all so full of doubt? Sometimes I imagine that other people also wonder about what others would think – with fear – then building up answers that are completely unrealistic and that are based on assumptions, cos they don’t know others well enough. Sometimes I think that people like me who try to imagine what people think just don’t talk to others enough – don’t talk about their thoughts enough.
Song: “I Feel It All”, Feist.
Change of subject. Another thing I’d like to say is that somehow some things mean so much to me, even if they are in truth insignificant. Like the song I mentioned above – it’s linked to a very strong emotion, which includes certain moments, faces and places. It’s not necessarily linked to the lyrics – it’s what the music inspires in me.
Okay, now I don’t feel like writing anymore. It often ends like this – I enter a phase of general, grey doubt, which makes me feel like saying nothing. I might write again later.
Entry with a value, entry with no value, interesting entry, stupid entry – in any case, it’s here. I guess I need to deal with it
.Song: “1973”, James Blunt.
Oh yeah – last thought. Many things like this entry can be looked at and be found to have no meaning. That’s one way of seeing things. But these things can also have meaning – it’s all in how you look at them. It’s all in how you look at life – even the most insignificant things can become great.
Song: “Beautiful Girls”, Sean Kingston.
I think one of the worst things about me is that one word from someone else can have a huge impact on me – I’ve often gone crazy because of a few sentences – have really been disturbed by them.
Song: “Ci Sarai”, Francesco Renga.
One of the other things that I hate most about myself is that I include people into my everyday life, make them part of my imagination-conjured daydreams. Mostly it’s people who don’t belong in my thoughts – at times it’s even people who have even clearly stated that they want to be distanced from me. It’s often people who aren’t even in my life on a normal basis, and I later feel that I have wasted time and personal involvement (not in a bad way). I become dependent on them – I’m hurting myself because of course I’m not going to get from them what I imagine I will get.
Okay, I’m off for an afternoon swim before I fry my brain from the heat.
One last word: aside from all the mess my mind brings, a lot of times I feel it’s all I need to conjure anything I need – strength I can never usually imagine. It’s not reality – it’s imagination from songs. But it’s enough for me.
(now)
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