Touch not my skin you shall burn
Desire be aflame that is no love
No pants down here, you are shame
Call quality first know then blame.
Free to rule you are the mouse
Bell this cat run before I pounce.
A contest entry
- skin by adsaige.
300 points, ended August 14, 2008, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Judged
Okay, this piece is really a read that my co-host and I had to discuss as it confused her, and took me a few reads before I even considered saying I understood what was meant.
This seems more like a piece thrown together in a second, and that's very disappointing as I would have liked to see you go somewhere productive with this piece.
A few suggestions: You metaphors are not clear. The meaning is not concise, and I do fail to see where it fits into the contest with the exceptiion of the first line.
Perhaps, my comment is a bit too harsh, but there could be some serious potential in this write should you edit it extensively.
Thank you for entering.
Good Luck.
My Co-Host should drop by later to add her thoughts. -
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just a child at age sixteen.
I did not see who posted the contest.
Agreed what you say is right for a child.
In time as you grow up you will understand what i write.
you say seconds write.
repeat this with your poem as a reply.
under my current reply.
Take hours to write you want even qualify.
I have seen your comments on others poetry.
In short:
SILLY YOU DON'T cry. -
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I see now. My comment still applies, however.
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Wonderful The poetic line amazes me.
You are fast and good.
I pull my poem out and run
Mouse chases a cat away? -
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Not nessecarily. Make it more...umph. As the metaphor is cliche, you must find a way to use it to your advantage, or it will sound blase.
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You bare?
just there two words.
See and tell me the metaphor.
I want to see what you mean by metaphor.
Wait online.
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nine minutes gone
You are a child respect your elders.
The comments you write are so bad that I would never think to write.
First learn then maybe you can say only if you understand fully.
Sorry I never hurt anyone.
but wont take insults from anyone. -
Yes, but I see the title seems more of a tentative question, or perhaps satricial one, rather than a statement.
The metaphors I mean, yes cat and mouse was one, but that was perhaps the only one that I saw. I mean rich metaphors and imagery of a big fat Cheshire cat grinning as if he caught the fattest mouse in the world! -
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Good. I will first put the poem back then explain.
But will not talk about the adult content. -
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First read what you asked then in its light see the poem above.
You Bare? can mean
1.do you take off your clothes
2.can you really bare the sarcasm of what I write
3.Or you have a poem as child.
The first line says in clear words
don't touch me or you will burn yourself
the desire in you is all ready burning you
your quote says as i remember 'pull up your pants and run'
The next line replies
I have no pants open or down and you are shameful.
You want 'quality' but do you know quality first learn then blame them for their quality.
The last two lines make a suggestion to you as you are the judge.
you are free to say but are just a mouse
and you want to bell a big cat like me.
Stating clearly better you run or I will pounce and eat you.
Now tell me when I say you are a child accept it and learn. -
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Sorry.
I never treat anyone like this.
And I deeply appreciate that you learn to be better and good.
Always will wish you success.
Don't worry at you age I was wetting my bed.
Learnt to write when eighteen.
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