I suffocate without air
When your presence vanishes
I choke on my tears
Because your hand’s not there
To wipe the falling drops
I have no choice,
But to cry myself to sleep
As my lullaby went mute
~
You bottled your memories
And gave them to me in a bubble
But now that it has popped
The memories float away
Into the depths of silence
~
Without you my life
Is no longer complete
You’re like the missing piece
That makes my heart whole
You’re like the absent strings
On my hushed guitar
~
You’re the air I breathe
So tell me how
I’m supposed to breathe with no air
Author notes
http://saskia-marie.deviantart.com/art/Grief-61470015
A contest entry
- Quickiee;Word&TitlePrompt. [x by Snap.Crackle.Pop.
400 points, ended April 24, 12 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me something real- let me feel it! by lillypilly.
3100 points, ended May 3, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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i really like this very well structured and amazingly well written..good luc
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Omg!
You have a true talent! I love how you put your words, this was very moving. Thank you for writing this!
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Very great write! For one so young what dept lies within. Great write
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this is beautifulll! i understand completely. great write.
kAsSiE
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Lyrical poetry that shares deep emotions for one so young yet maturity is penned to perfection
I loved this poem
Thanks for sharing and good luck to you
Julie
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I love it....
You are a gifted poet... much better than I will ever be... it must mean nothing for me to say that but it doesn't make it untrue... keep the pen going.
-Never known
PS-
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I liked this one. It is very emotional and beautiful at the same time. I have simliar poems but not quite like this unique piece of art. Great write!
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I love your metaphors! I have to admit though, I never liked that song. You kinda made the "no air" thing work in your last metaphor though. But overall, you acheived Awesomeness!
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Nice!
I love this! Cool, we both have the same titled poems!
My favorite lines are......."Your like the absent strings on my hushed guitar" But the whole poem is awesome
It's nice to meet an exuberant happy person! Thankyou so much for commenting on my poem.
This one is equally as sad.............It hurts to lose someone that we love and are so very close to....close enough to feel like they are part of you.
Beautifully written and expressed.
Keep up the great work!
CP
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You bottled your memories
And gave them to me in a bubble
this gives a feeling of suffocation;
definitely the popped bottled describes
the feeling of No Air
You’re like the absent strings
On my hushed guitar
and even the choking on tears
I love the images...
I could not write something like as beautiful as this
when I was 15 and i think you did amazingly with the revision
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This is a breath taking poem that you have here. Your emotions run deep within the lines you have created. I too know what it is like to have that one person fall fast away from your heart, and the pain it leaves distilled in the brokeness is hard to bare. I hope that in the near future you find that person on which whom will mend what has been broken.
P.S.
The comment you left on my poem is much appericiated.
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This is a truly beautiful and tender expression of lost love. Your use of apt imagery is so mature - (the popped bubble, your hushed guitar and framing of the poem in absent air). I am glad you dropped by my site today as your comment led me here. I applaud you.
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http://allpoetry.com/poem/4414985
wrote it 14 days before you wrote this,
mine was also inspired by the same song.
I like yours, it's..
odd
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So sad, so beautiful, so emotional. It made my heart beating faster...it kinda reminds me of things. Very inspirational poem.
Keep writing my dear
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wow this poem sent shivers up my spine.. it made me think of what id do if i ever lost my bf... suffocate im thinking..
'You’re like the missing piece
That makes my heart whole'
that was my favourite line, i love it!
the whole poem was filled with such emotion it was.... overpowering. cant wait to read more of ur stuff!!
cheers
XXXX
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wanting the presence of that someone..being in the embrace..yet to be pulled away by fate..thank you for entering my contest and good luck!!!
Keep penning!!!
Lieu
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great poem... love the use of words... i loved the emoton in there... really understood what you were feeling... keep up the great work... 8.5/10
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I loved this poem, sorry I didn't have any spots left. I promise to give you the credit you deserve and the Mention. Please forgive me.
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This is beautiful work. I loved the metaphore you used throughout and the way you brought it all together, it flows brilliantly. Hope to read more of such high quality soon
xxx
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Great great great. Loved "You’re like the absent strings
On my hushed guitar". LOVED that part. Lol. Reminded me of no air by jordin sparks? perhaps it was inspiration? Anyways. I really enjoyed thos poem. I certainly felt the silence creep into my bones.
Your friend,
Tal.
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Very nice! Very heartfelt...each word I can relate to. Loved the strong language you used...very eloquent. Truly a great take on the song...one that I love too. I have too many favourite lines...I can't even count them!
Now as for the poem structure was great! I think I only noticed two LITTLE THINGS =).
"I choke on my tears
Because your hand’s not there
To wipe the falling tears"
I think tears should only be there once, maybe try and reword one of the lines? It sounds awkward with using tears twice.
"You bottled your memories
And gave them to me in a bubble
But now the bubble has popped"
I think the same thing here, try and rewrite one of the 'bubble'...=).
OTHER than those two little things...I thought this poem was great. You've touched my heart yet again
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A beautiful write that echoed my emotions of old
"You’re like the absent strings
On my hushed guitar"
this is a very cool line
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