Remember me at this time,
A young woman struggling to make it.
Keep in mind my laughter and smile,
While cherishing my love that I bestow upon you.
And
if
I
fall
Release thy chained soul, to wander.
Remember me at that time.
A child by-passing innocense.
Ponder thy life's theme of destruction,
Recall thee as a tainted wonder.
And
if
I
fall
Remember thy final dream of justice.
A contest entry
- Anything you want by whispernthedark.
745 points, ended August 22, 2008, 42 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - POEMS OF PEACE by Olivias Violin.
650 points, ended December 29, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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and if i fall..i will hope i don't break my leg
in determination i would stand and not beg
There is nothing to recall hence every one falls
from a toddler in bed to soldier in rage
but once i stand up i wont fall for the same
and i hope you do the same. there is no shame
very interesting write my dear poet.. very empowering wirte
i really like that falling fall.. its dirty pretty.
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Your determination to endure the pains of existance with a loving smile on your face is admirable... the sincere un-selfish gesture you give here to loved ones is very meaningful. A beautiful connection with the world. Ireally like the way you empthasize the uncertainty of falling with your creative lay-out
much to ponder in this emotionaly sincere piece of poetry
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A greatly conjoured write from the heart. I liked the visual affect of your words falling, it added another dimension to them.
Great poetry xx
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Beautiful wordings and the image you protray is so powerful that it leaves you wanting more. And I guess thats the whole point of poems no? Although I think you made a spelling mistake, I might be going crazy since no one else mentioned it, line 11, "Innocense" to "Innocence". Other than that. Good luck in the concert.
Chloe
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I don't care for the choice of using thy, but I love the visual layout you have. Thank you for entering the contest, good luck.
♥
whisper
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Oh. This is a nice little poem that you have going on here. I liked it. I thought it was really short but in some strange way I found it soothing too. I think it's because you let some of those words fall and it made me think of a waterfall which I always fell calm. I think that you did a good job of expressing yourself here.
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Kinda sad yet so beautiful, it's like your going away, very heartfelt and so touching as always from your writing, one of your best for sure
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Very creative use of space you have incorporated into this poem. Liked the repetition. Ponder thy life's theme of destruction, Recall thee as a tainted wonder - liked these lines too, just makes it seem very old fashioned writing.
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Gorgeous
I Love it. Lots. =] It's great. -
I must agree with everything Dark Author has already said about this - I too really liked the structure and the way you encapsulate the sense of falling itself. However, again I also feel the archaisms of thee and thy seem at odds - perhaps you were thinking of recreating an old prayer of some kind? Powerful final line - it'd be all the more so if you used something other than the archaic pronoun. Definitely an interesting and challenging write. Thanks for sharing.
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Good. but...
I liked everything about the poem, especially the structure and the falling feeling of the line "and if I fall". The use of the words "thee" and "thy", however, doesn't really help the poem at all. Actually, it takes away from the overall effect. Replacing these words with their modern counterparts would fix this problem instantly. Overall,though, great poem, with a deep meaning. It's an open poem and speaks to everyone in a different way. Great job here!
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