In this bitter cold
holding it all together.
Apart from others
we are dark horses.
Both rearing,
we are something fierce!
Our warm breath
hangs gracefully.
Dancing in the air
as smoke suspended
between us.
Away from the herd
burning in hope
lips yearn ready.
Patiently waiting out
the lonely hours
we are dark horses
both aching In the storm...
The seconds linger
further than do minutes .
Lessening everyone else
and the rest Of the world .
More and more
as hunger breeds,
teasing such want ,
while shortening the distance
between us just two dark horses.
We float in the cold
like our breath,
across each tenuous thought.
As wind through trees
our leaves shiver,
whispering for more.
Goddess we are
Something lovely!
We were born for this
moment...
We Are two dark horses
always together.
A contest entry
- Anything and Everything!!! by LivinitupCutie.
450 points, ended July 28, 2008, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Have you ever... by Age of Rain.
1300 points, ended July 31, 2008, 57 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything you want by MrCrepsley.
600 points, ended September 10, 2008, 197 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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this was great your opening stanza was wonderful ver capturing and alluring. i admire the idea of lovers being an unbridled animal like a horse...well done
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i like the poem exept that the cigaretts ruin it..
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Good Imagery!
The imagery in this poem is wonderful. But mechanics, mechanics! You diminish the power of this poem with wayyyyyyyy too many capital letter and the reader doesn't know when to pause without punctuation! Unique style of writing though. I enjoyed the content! Best of luck!
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Nice! I love the gorgeous imagery here. But suggestions?
Stop capatalizing things.
Line 6: "We Are something fierce"
Are doesn't need to be capatalized.
Line 21: "Further Than do minutes"
Than doesn't need to be capatalized.
Line 23: "And the rest Of the world"
Of doesn't need to be capatalized.
I think you get where I'm going here. Not every first word needs to be capatalized; if it continues a phrase started earlier, it's fine to leave it lowercase. Also, I would suggest punctuating the ends of some of the lines with periods or commas so that your thoughts are slightly more... broken up? and are a bit easier to follow.
The poem itself, however, was amazing. It was just the mechanical errors that took away from it.
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INTERESTING!
Dark and myterious.
I finally found a poem that wasn't sad, YAY! lol
The imagery was amazing.
"Across each other's minds
As wind through trees
Our leaves shiver
Whispering for more"
Them lines gave me cold chills,
this was a very good poem,
Keep penning.
-Mandi
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This poem is very interesting and well written. I like the "dark horse" persona. It's very mysterious but yet you explain them so well.
Great write, Keep it up.
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nicely done..interesting way to write..thank you for entering and good luck!!!
Keep penning!!!
Lieu
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i like the it I never with have that idea to be a dark horses is very coo
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This is amazing and beautiful in soo many creative and imaginative ways! The portray of image was great, along with the flow and the topic...great job!
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Nice write. The imagery was beautiful.
Across each other's minds
As wind through trees
Our leaves shiver
Whispering for more
Nice!! -
nice imagery.
We are dark horses
Both rearing
We Are something fierce
that hit hard & i love how you repeat the dark horses at the end of your stanzas.
good jobbb.
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Really like the imagery in your second stanza and the way you use the metaphor of smoke - very evocative. Not sure I fully understand exactly where you're going with this, but that's just me - but my overall impression is definitely favourable. One minor technicality - do you need to commence each line with an upper case when you're using enjambement like this? Thanks for sharing - especially liked 'we are something fierce born for this moment' - whatever that may be... Nice write.
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