There was a young fellow whose chin
Was snuggled in acres of skin
What once was so taut
Had dropped quite a lot
He'd been quite a sot with the gin.
He'd draw himself up to go out
And waddle himself round about
He'd a weakness for pies
Though he told many lies
About lettuce and drained sauerkraut.
He'd tried all the diets, he stated
From grapefruit to small carrots, grated
He'd laugh like a drain
As he tried to explain
And he'd wobble in pain when he mated.
Oh, skin is designed to enclose
The forehead, the cheeks and the nose
The neck and the tum
The thighs and the bum
The knees and the shins and the toes.
And the various bits in between -
But this verse is becoming obscene
Suffice it to say
As he went on his way
They knew by his steps where he'd been.
A contest entry
- skin by adsaige.
300 points, ended August 14, 2008, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
I'll admit, this is funny
, and the rhyme well done, generally speaking.
But; I really don't think adsaige had this type of entry in mind. Other than a soft chuckle, that's all I really got from this. I felt, you barely scratched the surface with this. I should have liked for you to go through the last 2 layers of skin. It felt...well; that's the thing. I didn't really feel anything from this.
"Oh, skin is designed to enclose
The forehead, the cheeks and the nose
The neck and the tum
The thighs and the bum
The knees and the shins and the toes.">>>this felt childish to me.
and is, well, obvious. I suggest you do less 'telling' in this, and let the reader think on their own.
thanks for entering.
-sailor ptolema
-
Jesus will forgive for for this I expect but I cannot do so. Oh God, please give Keith a few more days before he is damned forever by his evil sex-sins.
-
Judged
Well, I cannot tell you what I truly feel about this piece because I cannot. I suppose I see where this poem may fit into the contest, however, I feel it is not...as good as it could be.
There are some parts that can use major editing, and tangle out the knots with a fine-toothed comb. I will hope to see where you go with this if you choose to edit.
Thank You for entering.
Good Luck.
My Co-host should be around later to add her thoughts. -
ha ha ha this is just lovely. You are a twit, you know that dont you... xx
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