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Skinny Dipping

Look around you what do you see?
More or less the same as me
Luminescent and starry-eyed
Lost souls stunned and so surprised

Woke up writing dreams 3 a.m
On scraps of paper trails
fields of dreams pearls of wisdom
Lost in the mixed emotions
Train of thought and feeling scary
And I thought of you

Skinny dipping like in a teenage movie
Alice B Toklas, hash brown cookies and paranoia
Sweepstake tickets and rising stars
Whatever takes your fancy
But fame seekers and fortune hunters
I don't get the connection
And paparazzi frenzy like feeding sharks
Scares the sh*t out of me
Who'd want it?
F*ck not me

They'll screw you over
Oh,boy! they'll screw you to the wall
Andrenalised fear

Will you live to the end of your days?
Will you watch over me with your prayers?
Maybe tow the party line just in case you're seen
While somebody speaks and you start to dream
Caught up in the coming flood
Just the tonic for the blood
As they weave their magic spells so sweet
Like a chink in your armour plate
You're caught unawares and it's too late
The weakest link

Now I don't have the social skills
To annoint you with oil without the spills
Or lay wreathes at your swollen feet
Then adjust your tinfoil thorny crown
And what of tomorrow?
Will we go through it all again?

They'll screw you over
Oh,boy! they'll screw you to the wall
Andrenalised fear

Look around you what do you see?
More or less the same as me
Luminescent and starry-eyed

Now I can't look you in the eye
Watch you skinny dipping in the nude
Filled with seconal, prozac dreams
I can taste the sorrow you exude
And still I'm confounded by it all

They'll screw you over
Oh,boy! they'll screw you to the wall
Andrenalised fear

A contest entry

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • Scion
    October 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I really liked this, I really did, though I really didn't get it. I thought your imagery was A-MAZING. Your ideas are vivid and your poems end up that way too. As I said before, I can't really get what this is about. I get the pseudo-societal rantings and ravings, but where is it all going? and who are "they?" I really wanted to know, but-honestly and sadly-I felt a little let down at the end. Was/Is there a story here behind this? I didn't know... that's why Theme score is so low.
    Umm, your grammar and structure are a bit ragged. I get the freewrite (fantastic! I choose the same path), but I don't get the lack of punctuation in some parts.
    (Example:
    "Woke up writing dreams 3 a.m
    On scraps of paper trails
    fields of dreams pearls of wisdom") The flow gets a little interrupted by running-into-one-another phrases. You have punctuation in other parts flawlessly, so I know your not afraid of it. So add a little more where it's needed and a little editing will do this poem wonders.
    Also, it's just a little pet peeve of mind, nothing I am criticising you on, but if you're gonna swear, just do it. No st*rs are necessary. I don't mind. (we still know if you're swearing even with the *'s anyways).

    Ultimately, I liked this bunches despite everything I've said. so kudos. Hope it fares well. Cheers, Scion

    My score:
    Rules-8.8
    Title-8.8
    Theme-8.3
    Structure-8.3
    Uniqueness-9
    Grammar-7.8
    Total-51.0


  • Topaze gold member
    September 24, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Very well done. Thank you for this fine entry in the contest.


  • Florida Sunshine
    July 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh, I love the flow and the read in this poem ~ You penned so wonderfully ~ Its simply an enjoyable read. If someone doesn't see the value in this they should get their eyes checked... cause you did a terrific job!

    Thanks for entering the contest ~ best of luck to you in both contest ~ I do appreciate you sharing your work with me.

    Florida Sunshine


  • xwarriorXprincessx
    July 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    mmm song quality.

    like a melody in my ears. its serenade so... dark yet... it fills me like a classical orchestra... i feel it coursing through my veins. ... so profound. i like this. a lot.

    may your ventures be fulfilling and unselfconscious.

    and may your poetry continue to flourish such as this...