I try to inhale all the beauty
that is left in this lonely forgotten world
the crystal colors of the children's teardrops
the changing riffs of his guitar
but when I exhale
there's nothing prettier
than the blending of the dangers of society
and the taste of smokey air
Author notes
I hope you like it...I pretty much wrote this at the top of my head.
A contest entry
- AP Circus by Olivias Violin.
300 points, ended August 6, 2008, 7 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Any advice would be lovely?
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I like that you try to see the beauty everyone else interprets as beauty, but truly, the chaos and unending dangers of the night draws you in to its beauty. like a moth to a flame. watch out that you don't get burned haha. I really liked this. keep it up =]
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it's very short but your words are beautiful and interesting...and quite thought provoking!!! well done my dear sweet poet
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Hm, the last line does bring the piece to a close well, and you write with the seeming passion of one who would do such a thing, though the second line of the second stanza says "more prettier" and that really does bother me...and I do believe they are 'riffs' not rifts.
Over all, a very good attempt at becoming the fire breather, very good indeed, though laking slightly in something I cannot pin down.
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ummm thanks for catching that mistake. I wrote this late at night without proofreading. And I'm usually on top of my spelling.
As for the "more prettier"...you are right. It does sound a little off. I guess it would be just prettier.
Well thanks for reading and for the feedback, I apperciate it.
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"I try to inhale all the beauty
that is left in this lonely forgotten world" -
I like these lines
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