Chapped skin prodded off lips by those yellow stained teeth
Red spiderwebs entangle his eyes as he take another drag of the cancer stick
A cough deep and fowl rolls off those lungs to consume his body movement
Crusty nails tap tap tap away at the over abused counter top
As the greasy hair rolls with his neck, swinging that face to the side
"Hey."
Deep and grizzly, his voice is barely able to push past the thick smoke
Her lips were the red abyss waiting to to tempt the bravest
Those dolled up eyes were lathered with the smoothest of blue makeups
She swayed with the walk of the ocean, curvaceous and deadly
Jet black boots click click click past the morbidly distraught man
The sound of his voice was like chalk to her
She turned and stared him down.
He looked up with hope for a good night.
Her open hand met his cheek.
His face plummeted to join with the floor.
She walked away with an extra sway in her step.
A contest entry
- skin by adsaige.
300 points, ended August 14, 2008, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Bare
Comments
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wow
i feel real sorry for the guy...poor, wasted.
pity for the lady too.
Just a reflection of the evil of society...
I love the imagery too..very powerful.
OGENE -
you know what, the person underneath me is being a bit harsh on you. I love this piece, it's really really great the way it is.
totally loved it hunni.
neon =D
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Judged
Okay, first things first. I think this piece can see some editing. As you used red twice to describe something on the characters. Too repetitive in short lines. Try: "Her ruby lips were abyss."
I also think that some pieces were over-written and could be edited as well. I like the short...humor of the piece. It is easy to relate to. But I honestly feel this piece can be edited.
Until such a time. Please leave me a message when you have done so throughouly.
Thank you for entering.
Good Luck!
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