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skin

skin with freckles
shows adventure's whims
warm to the touch

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments


  • sailor ptolema
    July 25, 2008

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    Yours:

    skin with freckles
    shows adventure's whims
    warm to the touch


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    example:


    summer
    my freckled skin
    is warm to the touch


    Ok; this isn't a very good example; as I can't think of one right now, but I'm trying to show you how to capture a literal moment without using poetic language. Haiku generally use 'simple' language; but the trick is to use it in such a way that it greats many different interpretations.

    'shows adventure's whims'>>> this is a little too metaphorical and enigmatic for a haiku.

    If you need more examples; feel free to look at my 'ku; or better yet, go look at myron or haikumonk . They are experts and might give you some ideas.

    otherwise; this is a nice little 3 lines

    -sailor ptolema


  • individuality gold member
    July 25, 2008

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    a good poem which skips the light fantastic and dives into smiles with ease. ah freckles, i think of ali with those


  • adsaige
    July 24, 2008

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    Judged

    I see where you were going with this piece. Haiku, it is a delicate art that I feel must be taken in account, and written expertly. The middle line feels awkward to me. I'm not sure about my co-host's thoughts, but I feel this piece could be revamped a bit. I cannot offer an suggestions for that, but Sailor Ptolema is an expert.

    She should be along to add her thoughts.

    Thank you for entering.
    Good luck.