it’s just him
that i won’t tell
the aroma of lover
doesn’t come off
with persil.
my pillow is
sentenced to death
& i can’t fuckin’ wait
to meet the executioner.
Author notes
July 25, 2008
Writing this made me smile. Thank you for the inspiration.
A contest entry
- laundry day by adsaige.
300 points, ended August 14, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critiques more than welcome.
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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ha. i love it
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another excellent one
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I adore this
. The use of the expletive is wonderfully placed for maximum effect 
. I like the idea of someone's scent being stuck to a pillow, but you won't tell them they're still there... love the boldness of the ending. g'luck!
~Meg
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I really really like this a lot. I actually like that its not a long drawn out poem. I think its brilliant. Really nice job!
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We can all do without the '&'.
Other than that, I absolutely respect this piece. It was simple, it was not bulky or lengthy. It got to the point and stayed there.
When you used profanity in the line "i can’t fuckin’ wait
to meet the executioner." I hnoestly think that brought some power to it in the end.
Great job, this deserves a place in the contest! Good luck!
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Judged
Most welcomed for the inspiration.
Regardless, I really think that this poem has a lot of potential, and it was not funny extinguished as it could have been. I like this poem alot, but I personally feel there is more that could be done with this piece. So, please edit it, and let me know when it is done, so that I can come back to comment.
Thank you for entering.
Good Luck! -
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Hmm. I'm not sure what you mean by "funny extinguished". Anyway, it wasn't supposed to be funny, it just made me smile to write it because of some personal reasons. I don't know exactly, the only thing I noticed could use some editing were the negatives (I feel three is probably too much for such a small piece), but at the moment I don't find anything as economic to go here. If I do find anything, though, I'll surely tell you.
Thanks for the comment
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Sorry, my mind was some where else. Really, I meant to say, "finally extinguished." Hope to see you edit this and add more.
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Oh, haha, I understand now. I was afraid I was missing something.
I don't want to add, but I do hope to polish. If I manage to do that in due time, I'll let you know. Thanks for your consideration
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More than welcomed. Sorry about the confusion. I'm a bit
right now.
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