The acidic aftertaste of white wine and champagne,
lies heavy on my stomach - I felt that I'd be sick.
8am - Mum's shouting, it was her champagne I opened,
I just needed to drink to get all my troubles away.
He wont answer my texts and I'm so frightened,
because that probably means he can't be bothered
and that shows that my turmoil wont spark anything in him,
though it's not my fault it does deeply burn me.
I wish he'd love me the way I love him, he's so special to me
and has on many a day made the day worth living.
Slept most of the day - 7pm and I wake up sweating,
a fair few nightmares about being put under a curse
and then beforehand, some realistic rapes, from ex.
The words he said were different from the real times,
I can tell you that; in the dream he was going to prison
and he was a little more agressive, but still loving
in that twisted, mother fucking hyped up sense.
He coerced me into a confusion I am well aware of in waking life
and pulled himself ontop of me and I told him no, get away, get off.
What would my whimpers mean anyway - they felt so bloody real,
like the ones I had once made in waking life, please stop doing this.
His lips against mine, I could almost taste his damp moisture
and his crotch thrusting against mine, I felt so shocked and degraded,
I swear I must've been crying in my sleep, I don't know I couldn't have.
Pushed himself in and out, the sensation that I'd had those days
when he used to, I could feel the throbbing as if it was real
and the deep heavy breathing in my ear and on my neck.
Oh god, even writing this now brings me close to tears -
it hurts to know I was a victim and frightened of him.
I realise now, I should probably write the truth, speak the words
that I was ashamed to admit, I never like admitting abuse
or that I've been taken advantage of, I like to be seen as strong,
even if I'm not. That's just my pride kicking in.
It's all he left me with.
I wont drink tonight, don't know if going to Jamie's tomorrow,
as it would probably end up being doing something with Jason,
after all I get like that when I've been drinking.
But, some part of me says who cares, Steven doesn't love you,
Karl still haunts you and there's nothing going for you,
so what possibly can you lose, from making another mistake?
I'll go and run myself a bath now and cry; the tears will be soaked up in water
and nobody will realise what they are.
Behind the Harry Potter book I'll hide all my horrendous notions
and hope that someday, somebody will fall in love with my smile.
♥
Gold trophy winner
Adding your comment:
