Dragons, summer skies
flight, parade insect colors
multiwinged skimming
skimming water's edge
darting colors sail along
dragons rain the skies
A contest entry
- Teach me how to write a haiku by notorious.
2246 points, ended August 10, 2008, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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hmmm, better, but I think it still needs to use less poetic language.
I'd use 'dragonfly or dragonflies' instead of dragon. Dragon is a little too enigmatic, and metaphorical.
I'd try to avoid gerunds... so instead of 'darting' I'd say "darts"
and instead of 'skimming' I'd say 'skims'
and I feel that your L1 is a bit grammatically incorrect with 'rain the skies'. ... you might what to move that to your L3 for the 'a ha; moment
thanks for letting me know!
-sailor ptolema -
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You are absolutely right!
By switching lines 1 and 3, I now have a much better poem. The aha moment is more aha. Thank you for the suggestion.
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Dragonflies are cool
Although..if a dragonfly flew near me, I'd spazz.
I like "multiwinged skimming", but I'm not sure how that fits in a haiku, which should be concise, imagery-infused & very simple.
"summer
the dragonflies skim
a pond"
I really like these edits my co-judge made...although it doesn't have to be a pond.
Good luck
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yours:
Dragons, summer skies
flight, parade insect colors
multiwinged skimming
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potential edits; or something like them:
summer
the dragonflies skim
a pond
what do you think of my edits? I think they make a clearer snapshot; as haiku are all about capturing a moment. A good idea for a 'ku; dragonflies are so cool to watch
-tell me if you make edits
-sailor ptolema
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Hey, Sailor
I edited the poem. Tell me what you think?
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This is lovely..painted a beautiful picture. I have got dragonflies in my garden.
A pleasure to read
Love ~sweetness~ xxx
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