Pale blue sky
sun glares
as I sip lemonade
In a list
A contest entry
- Teach me how to write a haiku by notorious.
2246 points, ended August 10, 2008, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I like it
.
but thinking about it....maybe .....
blue sky
the sun glares
as I sip lemonade
maybe? what do you think?
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Editted it o
Pale blue sky--
to sort of bring out the 'clear sky without many clouds' effect
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I think you should follow Meghan's edits
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yours:
Bright sky with clear clouds
sun glaring on all below
sipping lemonade
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My possible edits:
bright sky with clear clouds
sun glares
as I sip lemonade
you tend to want to avoid gerunds (ing words) in haiku. It lessens the sharp image.
I do like where you took this!!!!
what's nice about this and my edits is that it can be read in so many ways; for example: the sun could be jealous of you as you sip the cool drink
Despite the actual meaning; it's nice when the reader's mind can drift
tell me if you make edits!
-sailor ptolema
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Done..Did not know about the gerund rule again....Thank you for your kind edits...
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