Things I thought were tucked away.
Those things I didn't want to say.
Things well forgotten day by day.
Things put where I wanted them to stay.
I took what I took
and still stood proud.
Took all I could take
and soon broke down.
Came back up with one quick draw
then turned and hid myself in the dark.
I soon wished death upon each man
and turned to evil for my greatest revenge.
He did what he did
and I overcame.
Said all he said
and hurt me each day.
One last draw was all it took.
Those things I had tucked away
couldn't stay hidden just one more day.
This was the worst of each of my days.
He abused my princess
had her taken from me.
Abused her in means
that no one should see.
That was it I could take no more
I've now endured the worst pain ever.
Death is what I wished upon him.
Death is what I shall forever hope for him.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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wow. i am seriously just breathless! this is sooooo good! so, i am thinking you had this girl who you were completely in love with, and she was severly abused by like a boyfriend or something? nonetheless, you really love her since you wish death upon the person. and that is totally understandable. i really like this poem. and i think that you did a really good job here. a very very very good job. and i really like the first stanza. you did good with the rhyme scheme there. again, very good job!
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The poetry structure itself is all over the place as it moves between verse and madness and could possibly have more impact by having it restructured so you weren't falling in and out of verse. That said, the text of this thing is really alarming and incredibly raw and effective. It probably needs an edit to be more so but the thing drips pain and there would be many who would connect with this.
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