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Losing someone

The golden sun was hastily looking for a place to hide,
just when you were quietly sitting by my side.

The endless clear blue sky suddenly turned dark,
and there were lonely guiding stars shining above the park.
The infinite green grassland instantly became calm,
and there were flakes of petals lying in my palm.

The golden sun has already found a place to hide,
and I finally found you were not sitting by my side.

A contest entry

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 22 of 22

  • halfpast4ever
    February 2

    Edit | Reply
    this poem was beatiul, and very painful. i relate to you because i too have witnessed friends and family passing and know how much of a pain that is.
    the only problem i have with your poem is i feel as if some of the ryhme is forced, and forcing a rhyme makes a poem seem vague and small.
    other then that is was beautiful, with incredible imagery. thank you and good luck


    • treelhs
      February 3
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much for your constructive comment!
      I'll try to avoid doing like this next time.


  • With Broken Wings
    December 6, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This is really good, thanks for entering


  • BrittlesSkittles
    November 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    my favorite lines are "The infinite green grassland instantly became calm,
    and there were flakes of petals lying in my palm."

    i think you should choose a different adverb then "hurriedly" but other than that i have no other criticism!

    THANKS FOR ENTERING!


  • Peachy
    November 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I particularly love the last three lines, so beautiful. The rhyme was very good and it had a rhythm that enhanced the words.
    Thank you for entering and good luck!

  • PianoMan
    November 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is a very peaceful yet sad poem. Watching the sun set is a very calming thing, however, it often leads our thoughts to people who are no longer with us. Well done and thanks for entering my contest!


  • Ryno
    November 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    not feeling it
    ~prewrites, come and get them


  • Candy Morphine
    November 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    the first stanze gives great personification. it sets the scene in all perfection.
    and the last stanza gives an unbelivable end, heartwrenching.

    the imagery is the best i think i;ve ever read.

    short. but beautiful in every aspect.


  • Floorboards
    November 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for entering my contest,

    my scores are.

    Imagery; 6
    Metaphor; 6
    Style; 6

    Total. 18.


  • wolfwatcher
    November 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    very nice write! That was an awesome picture, sad, but very well painted. I hope that you guys can still talk a lot.

  • poets whisper silver member
    November 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Not sure what to say about this. I like it a lot although it makes me feel very sad for some reason. The line about the petals is very moving to me anyway. Thank you for entering

    • treelhs
      November 10, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much.
      I wrote this poem when my dear friend left.
      Now she is in the U.S, and I miss her terribly...
      It was she who taught me how to write poems. And her personality influenced me a lot.


  • xCandieKissesx
    August 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow; this was such an emotional & heartfelt write
    so much genuine feelings & so sad
    yet beautifully penned.

    Thanks for entering


  • Shya
    August 23, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Thanks for writing! You have such wonderful style.


  • City-of-Angels
    August 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow this gave me chills. This was really good, it had a unique quality to it. I agree, I really wouldn't have guessed english wasn't your 1st language. You must be really talented Keep it up!


  • crazymomma
    August 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is very nicely penned. I would never have guessed english was not your first language. You created wonderful imagery in this very sad poem.


  • Animals
    July 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    That's a really great poem! I couldn't tell that English isn't your first language. It was a real pleasure to read and I'll give you some points for it. Well done!

    • treelhs
      July 27, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Actually, I'm still trying my best to learn English well.
      Thank you very much for this comment which gave me much confidence.

1 - 22 of 22