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red leaf

red leaf
tumbles end-over-end
maple tree's gift

autumn's dance
leaves twirl
ballet

Author notes

twenty-five years experience writing haiku

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

  • carole21
    July 24, 2008

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    very nice write . . good images . . liked "maple tree's gift" and "autumn's dance" . . good luck in the contest


  • sailor ptolema
    July 24, 2008

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    my possible edits:

    red leaf
    tumbles end-over-end
    from maple tree

    autumn
    the leaves twirl
    a ballet

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    what do you think of my edits? myron always tells me to include a definite and indefinite article where applicable...so I tried

    I think it might be more of a snapshot and less obvious metaphor; without taking from the many meanings you can get out of it

    -tell me if you make edits.

    -sailor ptolema


  • individuality gold member
    July 24, 2008

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    a good poem penned and good luck in the contest, keep penning those poems fopr one day they may bring utter joy to the spirit


  • notorious gold member
    July 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "gift of maple tree"
    I think "maple tree's gift" would sound a lot better.

    "end-over-end"
    You could do with some hyphens in between...Please do.

    Let me know when you make these changes.
    I thought your physical description was good...but I didn't really get anything else beyond it.

    Thanks for entering