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From the Window

Vaporized puddles,
Blacktop glistening with sweat-
Cool, summer storm.

In a list

A contest entry

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • righteousme
    July 24, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    love it... last night was a doozy...


  • sailor ptolema
    July 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    oh right; almost forgot; generally the titles of haiku are the first line something to keep in mind


  • sailor ptolema
    July 24, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    my potential edits :

    vaporized puddles
    blacktop glistens
    cool summer storm

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    what do you think? I eliminated 'sweat' because; asphalt can't literally sweat .lol

    I think this creates a tight and powerful picture; I love your 'ku... i can smell the wet asphalt

    -tell me if you make edits

    -sailor ptolema


  • Wandering Woodchuck silver member
    July 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Nicely done. I can see the rain on the hot asphalt and feel the coolness after the storm. Isn't this what haiku is about?

    Nice job.


  • notorious gold member
    July 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Not sure I support the use of 'cool', even though you mean cold and not "trendy" or w/e.

    Thanks for entering

1 - 5 of 5