even if you don't breathe the way you used to
there are still captivating thoughts,
of how i shouldn't leave you behind
and they are leaving me to internal decandence.
i want to break away bits of me
so they don't remind me
of you anymore.
or she says i want to
remember this as a great love story
and really what love is capable of.
and she says,
i want you to forget him
and move on
because i believe you have the power too.
solemnly we agree,
the world no longer spins on its axis
and spins a tornado
instead it's the eye we're sitting in
gently waiting for another storm
to pass,
because we haven't forgotten our dreams.
the echo of how i onced wished
the sunlight would swallow us
whole so we'd never have to
feel anything but those moments
and disappear where solitude
was the greatest gift,
was prominent in that
moment more so than
anything in my life
will ever be.
to echo your love,
my dreams and a future.
are you a blessing sent
to remind me of what's here?
or a warning to keep my
heart inside a cage,
so that it yearns to be
held but learns never to break.
content with loneliness but
never feels pain.
i am janus when it comes
to loving you,
incapable of doing so,
or even being truthful about it.
i want to relish in this,
use it to guide me
in what i feel so lost with.
use it to provide the
basis of what is next to come
in my life and help me see
what i lack in you,
i won't lack again.
Author notes
"Maybe the reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. Maybe they always have been and will be." nicolas sparks' the notebook
alter egos and friends play part in this.
i'm not too fond of the ending,
and will edit the shit out of this after i wake up.
i needed to write this because i need to move on, it's getting ridiculous now.
A contest entry
- graveyard by the atlantic.
1000 points, ended July 28, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
-
woahhh now why wasnt i informed of things that hurt you?
u are a really close friend to me (dont ask y u just r =] ) and i always want to hear how ur feeling....this is really powerful and dont edit it bc grammatical mistakes enhance the feelings in it...well at least i think so...i hope u can get over this =[
-
-
well because this happened a long time ago, and i just can't let go, but i'm trying mega hard to get over this
i miss you!
<33
-
-
don't edit the shit out of this [if you haven't done so already]. let it stand on its own. it's strong enough.
-
-
you really think so? i haven't put the edited version up because i've been to lazy to put it up, but thank you
<3
-
-
I agree with john here. This is wordy at parts, especially in that first stanza. You don't need all those "you" words in there, seems awkward. there are still some really solid parts in here, for example: "the world no longer spins on its axis" and "to echo your love, my dreams and a future.", two of my favorite parts, summed up. So my critique is just to go through this and tweak some parts, get rid of a few words that don't need to be here to complete the poem. There also are a few ideas that feel cliché, like "because we haven't forgotten our dreams." and "i want you to forget him and move on", I'm sure you could explain these parts in a more poetic manner. The poem is solid regardless of what you do or don't decide to change.
;
-
-
i agree there are way to many you's in that.
i'm altering my word version before i edit this.
but thank you for the help!
<3 -
-
You are
quite welcome.
;
-
-
-
there were parts of this that i loved, and parts that i wish i could give you constructive feedback on. theres just some grammatical things, and unnecessary punctuation, and some wordiness. me being as least specific as possible, lol
Adding your comment:
1 - 8 of 8
