Rain falls in torrents
In lush woods, no creatures stir
As green branches drip
Author notes
I am relatively new to haiku. I can do the technical aspects, but my thought processes do not seem to be haiku-esque.
A contest entry
- Teach me how to write a haiku by notorious.
2246 points, ended August 10, 2008, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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I liked this one
It was penned with depth and I so love the rain
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I am glad you enjoyed it. The comments from myron were very useful.
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better
Your revision improves the haiku greatly so well done on doing that.
I have one more concern though. The first one is that 'lush woods' and 'green branches' are kinda alluding to the same thing - healthy growth. I know they're not exactly the same, but when we write and read haiku we see a lot more than when we read other kinds of writing.
For instance if I see the word "moon' in a haiku I see a full moon - unless the poet has modified the noun. If a haiku has the line "apples on a tree" I see that it's autumn. When there is a lamb in a haiku it denotes spring. Every noun in a haiku has symbolism or connotations of some sort. It is the job of the poet to choose the nouns very carefully. This is the very essence of haiku. And it's what makes it such a difficult form to write. This is probably why it is extremely difficult to write English language haiku in 17 syllables - it's easy to see the weaknesses in the haiku because the poem has been padded out to fill an unimportant numerical formula, rather than just writing what is needed to create a good haiku.
What works really well in your haiku is that you have written a juxtaposition of images - which is the magical ingredient of good haiku. You contrast the heavy rain with slowly dripping branches and this is an excellent observation.
I hope I have not bored you with all this,
myron. -
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Your instructions and comments are the most detailed and informative that I have received on AP. They are much appreciated. I will think about the green/lush issue. If I come up with a modification, I may bug you for another review.
Thank you very much.
Mike
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Nice
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Maybe
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imagery
I like the fact that the images are clear and vivid in this haiku. I also like the fact that there is a break in the syntax (in the middle of the middle line) as that is one of the more important guidelines for writing haiku.
My main concern with your haiku is that it doesn't make sense - in line 2 you say that nothing stirs yet the rain is moving and also the branches are moving and the drops of rain off the branches are moving.
I hope you don't mind my comments,
myron. -
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Actually, I find your comments constructive and worthwhile. Simple bashing by the unknowlegable is obnoxious. I had not been aware that the break in syntax was important. Thank you for pointing it out. I will make sure it is included in future work as well.
I agreed with you about the poem not making sense. I had something in my mind and did not know how to adress it. In laziness, I just let it go. What I wanted to say is that no animals were moving. I rewrote it. If you care to look again and comment, I would appreciate it.
Mike
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oh; one more thing i forgot to mention; the title of the 'ku tends to be the first line
. Something I learned
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Hmm ok , overall I'd say this is a decent 'ku. You create a visual scene; which is one of the objects of a good 'ku. I have a suggestion for L3
rain falls in torrents
nothing stirs in the lush wood
as branches drip
I think that looks tighter; and greats a sharper image. What do you think? I am no grand master (i always go to myron for help ) but i think my edits help with cohesion.
Hmmm... I'm not sure about L2, it works...but I feel there might be a way to improve it..
tell me if you make edits
-sailor ptolema -
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I rearranged line two. I made changes to line three, but retained the five syllables. I talked to several haiku poets after being panned by your co-judge. Most of them recommended staying with the 5-7-5 format.
No one had ever mentioned to me that the first line should be the title. I had never seen that in before. I had noticed that some did it.
Thanks for your constructive criticsms. They are much appreciated. -
myron's a genius!
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I think you did an awesome job Chuckster..though I struggle with this form..Seems the judging is harsh especially since admitting not knowing much about it either.. Oh well, I like it if that accounts for anything. Well done my friend..it's a pretty read.
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I don't think my haikus meet with everyone's taste. What really confused me was the purpose of the contest. I thought the judge was asking for haiku as examples. It is strange for her to rip poems when she admits she knows nothing about the subject. Or.... perhaps I missed something.
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LOL She totally plowed you...regroup and get squirt guns ready for war??
It reminds me of one of those moments of serenity, and I like the image you created. -
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Yeah. I was steam rolled. Water pistols at 15 paces. Will you be my second?
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well I still dont get hwat haiku is but you did greta here... love the way youve pictured this.. nicely done!
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I dont really get it either as the comments from the judge show. I dunno. I write them when I am lazy.
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good, nice imagery
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oops. got my comments mixed up. thanks for the kind words.
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Yay XD
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I think green dripping branches would be better for the last line but otherwise I got a lovely sense of wet sort of calm from this, very green and naturey. Like I was standing out in the downpour. Nice
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You are rigtht. I think I need to edit.
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I asked for your experience (or lack of) to be in your AN...not your preview lines.
Okay, you have a wealth of imagery like haiku are supposed to, but there's something about this write that doesn't make it obvious that it's a haiku (or it just may be me).
There are exactly 17 syllables...(if I counted right). I think haiku sounds better under 17 syllables.
Thanks for entering
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I know it is fashionable for people to write in other than a 17 syllable count for haiku that is not written in Japanese. I am not fashionable, and as I said, my mind is not haiku-esque. Thank you for commenting.
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Well, I didn't mean "fashionable"...just sounds better to me
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