a white '59 strat lies naked on the floor of Joe's garage,
evidence of jam sessions past,
full of pretty girls,
trippping band members and even higher heels,
the drum kit stands abandoned, the sax [affectionately named
Charlie]
placed back into his case,
as silent as the woman who used to yell from upstairs
in fact,
the only movement in the room
[aside from the occasional cockroach]
is made by Joe's shoes, swinging slightly back and forth in the air.
the camera pans up,
and we see
the dirty torn jeans his mother always hated,
the plain white t-shirt with the hole in the left shoulder and cigarette burns around the bottom,
up to the three-days-unshaven face and neck snapped by the noose tied to the rafters.
Author notes
gummy bears rule.
Inspired very obviously by the song 'Joe's Garage,' by Frank Zappa.
Title from 'Magic Carpet Ride' by Steppenwolf. (not Jefferson Airplane, as I had thought)
Came out a lot less nostalgic and a lot more macabre than I had intended.
A contest entry
- ** *INSPIRE ME PLEASE>> EVERYONE ENTER!!!*** by PrInCeSs AnAsTaCiA.
400 points, ended August 24, 2008, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Never Coming Home. (I Thought I Heard You Say "I Like You") by xXBrutalRomanceXx.
525 points, ended September 30, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Feedback?
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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wow this is good. i like the discriptiveness. thank you for your entry and good luck.
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nice piece, i enjoyed the whole thing it flowed well so i couldn't stop reading, that's a good thing.
thanks heaps for sharing this with me and good luck in my contest -
amazing
Wow this had passion and grace it was amazing it was happy but yet so sad i really think you have talent your flow was good as well the emotions flowed I look foward to reading more and thanks for joining
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I wish I had a videotape of my face. As the poem began, I instantly loved your imagery, as always. I expecially loved, "trippping band members and even higher heels" That's such an amazing play on words. Getting to the middle, I'm thinking we're in some sort of before/after of a garage concert. And still smiling, I read the last line of this poem slowly.
At first I didn't realize, I did somewhat of a double-take on this. My smile faded and tears filled not only my face, but my mind as well.
Amazing poem. I'm glad you wrote this and I can't wait to finish what we've been working on last couple days.
<3Nate
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The ending was definitely unexpected. When I was reading this I thought that you know, maybe there was a threesome or more going on in the garage, but then the ending comes up out of nowhere, and it's like 'damn.' The nostalgia was there like a base, almost a building block, for the macabre-ness and the sad, slightly disturbing ending. wicked cool write as always.
~Winterfall~
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Oh, the ending caught me off guard. Love the ending even still. Great write. Macabre is awesome, love the whole suicide thing. Maybe I'm slow, but i nevr saw it coming.
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I absolutely adore this piece. The macabre twist at the end and the slight nostalgia is enough to raise goosebumps.
I love the imagery, the detail in your description of everything. I love how you use oppositional ideas in the description of the silent woman who yelled from upstairs.
It's amazing. <3
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the ending wasn't a suprise to me, so it was no fun
but other than that (and that's pretty minor) i liked it.....
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I love how you say you like my poetry better than your own. Mine's nothing compared to yours! Jeez Amanda!
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you're cute. :]
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I really love this piece. It's so descriptive and detailed. I love how you use such kick ass music as inspiration
I like how this has a shocking ending. Brilliant write doll, like always.
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So interesting write.
I like this line "[aside from the occasional cockroach]"
& the whole piece is really interesting.
Thnx for sharing & Penn On!!
GloriousGift
Heba
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wow...uhhmazingocity hun...
i think the whole shock for me was when i read...
in fact,
the only movement in the room
[aside from the occasional cockroach]
is made by Joe's shoes, swinging slightly back and forth in the air.
i think the look on my face was just a kodak moment...
^_^ the shocking line is also my favorite...if you can believe that lol
♥Dani
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Interesting piece, the last line was certianly shocking, which is good cause I like it when it's incorporated into poems. Good use of description throughout. Good work!!
~Emily~ xx
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