Hidden in the dense forest,
lying speechless. Defying
the very thought,
that wraps me up inside.
I fear the world denies me
of all eternity.
The precious touch of love,
draws me to wonder
of this worlds pain.
And why, a hidden heart
could be a drop
of sweet innocence,
that unravels the world
in its own entirety.
Subject to tenderness,
we all have our part to give.
For harmony,
is but a tear drop,
once shed cannot be returned.
So hold your tears,
sway, with tide and mind.
A contest entry
- #107 Living peace in the moment. by Lyndon.
5250 points, ended August 24, 2008, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Beautiful poetry and great advice, "So hold your tears,
sway with tide and mind." I loved it. It was very soothing to the soul. Thanks for sharing.
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There is such goodness in this poem that touches the soul of humanity at its very core.
I found your first stanza just a bit less fluid than the other two.
Perhaps something along this order would smooth it some and still hold your message loud and clear.
Hidden in the dense forest,
speechless,
I defy the very thought,
that wraps me -
fearful of a world
that denies eternity.
Just a thought. I truly enjoyed your message here and loved the softness in the words you have used to convey it.
Thank you so much for sharing with The Blue Lamp. ~Pamela
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I think that this is a write about the world accepting us as we are... or should be. Very interesting. I did think that the ending was stronger in meaning than the beginning was. Thanks for sharing this with us.
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Those last two lines are exquisite in what they are
able to impart. I felt the whole of this too...
Such belingered sorrow to sympathize with the world
of lovers unpaired. Blue
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Ooh, this is gorgeous. I adore the line "I fear the world denies me/of all eternity" and the ending of the second stanza made me read it twice (in a good way). I really liked the contrast between the almost despair of the first stanza, and the hope at the end, I like poems where the writer goes through a journey and the tone shifts; I think they're more powerful than ones where the end feeling is laid out from the start. My one gripe would be that in the second line, "laying" should by "lying", but this is so minor it didn't take away from the overall experience for me.
~lost
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awww wow, im so very happy you enjoyed this, i have made the edit straight away
this is one of my older poems that i have been meaning so desperately to finish off,
thanks for reading
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Well done. I enjoyed the read poet!
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im glad you enjoyed, and took the time to leave a comment
thank you
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I would have to concur with the comments, that came before this one. It ended very strongly, and nicely, but with a bit of tweaking, just in the right ways, it would be phenomenal. It's very lucent with emotional content, but the focus needs some adjusting. However, the overall verse is amazingly balancing and harmonizing.
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hey hetha thanks for the comment
i have made a few small alterations to it, im hoping it improves the response from the readers
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I agree with Citrine about the first stanza - it is a rather confusing introduction to your poem. The poem speaks of love and harmony, and has a good rhythm. I think you could tweak further, to focus your idea more clearly. Best of luck with it.
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I felt this poem became progressively better, but the first stanza was rather weak. You have three phrases that need a subject. Although the first person singular is implied, you need to have a noun that ties the sentence together. Perhaps:
Hidden in the dense forest,
I lay speechless defying
the very thought
that wraps me up inside.
I fear that I might let my world
deny all my eternity.
I was a little unclear about the third phrase and am not sure this was your intent. I hope this helps. Peace, Liz
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thank you liz, this is one of my older poems that ive been looking to tweak and get some ideas on how to improve the message i was trying to convey.
i have really appreciated your comment .
please feel free to come back and let me know if it reads better
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A poem that speaks of acceptance, which is what peace embodies. the gift of one teardrop to lend to the harmony makes the last stanza a nice closure.
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Strong ending. I admire the setting and tone here.
Easy to envision a moment of solitude where one
struggles with harnessing deep emotions. I paused
here: "To let my world,...of me deny" and had to
reread it; it is not as fluid as the rest and I
focus it on the use of my and me together.
Reread for yourself and see if you can note the
slowdown this creates. I felt this to be right
on as far as prompt. Blue
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It has nice rhythm and rhyme but I think to my way it is devoid of a little showing rather than telling. Plenty of time to edit, please feel free I will be back.
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