Arid in August
Barren and brown
What used to be
A sunflower gown;
A flat, parched crust.
The waves of wheat
Whiskered and brawny,
With braided heads
Of kernels tawny
Were long since reaped.
Once daisy-dappled
Desolate now
Unshaded, fiery
Earth's sunburned brow
Droughty... dying.
Cracked, thirsty soil
Stifling air
Still and waiting
For Fall rain's fair
Anointing oil.
Author notes
With this poem I'm trying to paint a word-picture of what I see around me. I live in a small town in Andalucia and the summers here are truly terrible.
How can I improve on this? Please tell me what you think.
Comments
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You paint a striking real picture, that brings to life that "Cracked, thirsty soil", living in U.K. I can have no real understanding of living in such parched conditions. But your beautiful diction reveals your natural surroundings with elegant respect. I liked your imagery particulary the third stanza,
do you plan to write of the winter? would make a lovely contrast. thank you.
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A wonderfully original poem. It's hard to convey the beauty of nature without sounding repetitve. You've done it perfectly
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Thank you for the lovely review!
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Is it just the heat that makes it terrible? Hopefully I don't appear nosy, I just think it is fun learning about others places since I just live in a small town in Maine (USA.)
I lived in California for a couple years and while I'm not trying to compare that to where you live, it was quite dry in the summer, everything seemed to turn brown ubtil the rains stated in late Autumn. But your poem did remind me of those days and while it was a great experience...Summer in Maine is far more moderate, though far more humid.
It's a simple, beautiful poem, and was pleasing to read, thanks for posting it for everyone to read.
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Hmmm.... Perhaps it is not just the heat.
I love learning about other places, too; especially if I can do so in person. Maine, by the way, has always fascinated me from afar. I don't know if it's the stories I read as a kid, set in Maine, but I've always wanted to see it for myself. As for California... I was born there, but my family moved away from there when I was about 1 year old and I've never been back!
Thank you for the kind comments and for the 'applause'!
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A lovely piece that flows perfectly and is a constant reminder of the beauty of nature.
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Thank you for the review and applause!
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Lovely write
This I found to be great for it so brought the reader right out there into nature and feeling its thirst for the fall rains indeed
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Thank you! I'm glad you could feel it.
It always makes me feel great when the reader feels my words that way.
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SO VIVID!!!!!
We here where I live have in recent years had such dry, hot summers, this year started out wet and warm but again later it became so dry! Wonderful descriptions of how everything looks without rain.
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Thank you.
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Very good discriptave write, the use of metephor to discribe your world makes it all the more beautiful.
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Thank you for reading and reviewing! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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I like what you've done. The rhyme/flow is good in each stanza, but when reading aloud the last line of each stanza kind of brings it to an abrupt halt. I think I understand the concept of what you were going for with that but, I just don't think it works. You could probably drop them without altering the already strong images.(my opinion only). If you don't agree with that(dropping lines) you might want to think about in L15, replacing the ellipsis with a comma.
love, love the image of the sunflower gown, nice touches of alliteration, and the fist 3 lines 'wheat' stanza is almost a personification. Nice work!
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Thank you!
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Oh. This is quite some poem that you have going on here. I read your poem and I was kind of surprised for you to describe it like that. I was curious why you feel so strongly about the way things look when the harvest has been reaped. I mean it come back in the next seasons cycle doesn't it? I thought you really got your feelings across strongly in this.
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I described it exactly as it is.
Eventually... next year... there will be newly sown fields of wheat and sunflowers - little green sprouts coming up.
But all the beautiful waves of wheat a happy sunflowers from this year are dead and gone now, never to return.
I once spent some time in Michigan and was able to see autumn there. In a place like that, harvest time is enchanting. There is such breath-taking beauty as summer goes out and fall comes in - all the majestic colors.... In a place like that, harvest isn't like death. It's like a celebration.
Here there is no autumn, no changing leaves, no colors. It is like a drab, abandoned place where all life has been snuffed out.
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excellent
Arid in August
Barren and brown
What used to be
A sunflower gown;
A flat, parched crust.
The waves of wheat
Whiskered and brawny,
With braided heads
Of kernels tawny
Were long since reaped.
beautiful.the baove extract was a tidy rhyme.I loved it. thanks fors haring.plaese visit my poetry and offer some commenst. -
Great poem--I really like how the pace of the poem is slow and heavy as the summer it describes. The alliteration throughout the piece reminds me of how your head pulses sometimes when out in the heat for too long. In the next to last line, did you mean to write "rain's" instead of "rains"? The way it's worded now is a little confusing.
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Hmmm.... Yep, I see your point about "rains". I didn't mean "rain's" but now I see that I either need to put in some kind of punctuation, or have it as rain's. Thanks for pointing that out! I don't know if I would have realized it otherwise.
Thanks for stopping by!
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I really really like this piece Bookgirl. Not only is it a fierce obervational piece, but I think, stunning and creative imagery. You have made this very intersting to read. I think the piece can be improved with some additional punctuation, to guide the reader. Soo.., S1 L4 maybe a semi colon after "gown". So it reads, "A sunflower gown;a flat, parched crust". S2 L3 comma after "heads", or semi colon and drop "Of" in L4. so it "kernals tawny/were long since reaped." gives it an almost Robert Frost like phrase ending the stanza. S3 beautiful! S4 perhaps the best one, but too hard to call. I love your close "for fall rains fair/ anointing oil. You might think about the line break before fair, and place "fair" in the last line. **disclaimer, only my humble opinion. bookmarked! Geo
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Many thank you's for a wonderful review! I appreciate your suggestions, and I have added the semicolon as you said, also a comma, although not quite in the place you said.
I didn't want to leave off the "of" in S2, L4 partly because it would mess up the syllable count, but also I just liked how it sounded better that way. And I see what you're saying about "fair" in S4, but if I do that, then the rhyme scheme gets messed up. However, I really enjoyed getting some insight on this, instead of just "nice poem" type comments. I like to hear what people think - their suggestions for improvement - so that I can take mental note even if I don't at the moment go along with each suggestion. It is very much appreciated!
The comparison to Robert Frost left me rather speechless. I don't deserve it, but it was, nevertheless, QUITE the compliment. (As is the fact that you bookmarked this piece!) I am humbly grateful for your very kind and encouraging review.
Hannah
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Good grief Hannah! Now I'm hot and thirsty! Your poem has an effect
I liked "For Fall rains fair/ Anointing oil".
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Yeah, me too! I was just trying to put on paper what we see around here. This sun and heat are merciless - they kill everything out there! (Except the cucas. Bicho malo nunca muere. But they DON'T get to be in a poem!)
Thanks for the review. I'm glad you liked my last two lines. I actually wasn't completely sure about those, so it's reassuring to get your opinion.
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For Fall rains fair
That was quite the line.
This was a very solid work by the way. I also really liked your ability to rhyme, as a matter of fact, I didn't even notice it at first.
Amazing
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Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it. To my horror, after I posted it I saw a big mistake - in the third stanza I completely blew it on the last rhyme!
I don't know what I was thinking .... I'll have to think on it and see how I can fix it.
Thanks for your comments!
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