push
...
but don't think
you're going to slap secrets
from a brisk membrane
this crinkle in the cornea
has dilated eyesight
and I adhere to no incentive
seen on the wish of
my absolute bent disdain
silk words have worn into
photogenic remorse
that I can't bear in the cold
imperfection falls like rocks
where bloated hands
attach discord to my skin
(stains around
a nose detecting
rude smells
such brethren teeth
eyes that swoon
over the drain
flesh and bone
cauterized into powder)
with a passive
yet steady obstruction
of a nautical mile
I become oversized again
in a concerto
of fatal wishes
like sugar from the
dental hygienist
and root canal
without novocaine
my seasons have ignited
beneath a certain fondness
less devote like
chewing soft tobacco
the tender jaw line
put in a rustic
yet regretful
melancholic crack
where distance
could dream of balance
only deep enough
there is no stance
set alongside an
infinite perfection
no way to find strength
in people filled
with severed psyches
nevertheless
role models are
only episodes of
five minute
movie star glow
those who speak
as if they
rule the world
always
in control
...
a white pearl drops
and I am planted
on the chalk line
waiting for
the next starlight
a dust that someday
will blow
neon and stifled
Author notes
this is for you, john.
because you asked nicely and
well, it was long overdo.
;
In a list
all critical advice is warranted.
Comments
1 - 84 of 84
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This is just...incredible. I love the images and emotions you use and even though I don't understand this, I think it's amazing. <-this is the understatement of the century, but I can't think of any other way to describe the genius of this poem.
'like sugar from the
dental hygienist
and root canal
without novocaine'
______
'a dust that someday
will blow
neon and stifled'
Just, WOW.
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Again you have written another piece of art!!!
~Stacey~
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Thank you babes.
I don't have much posted,
but I'm super glad you enjoy
what you find.
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excellent.
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Thank you. This was written with "the atlantic" in mind, on here. A friend of mine poetically.
Glad you enjoyed.
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is everything you write a collab? Because I was avoiding those and the adult tagged ones
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Well this was not actually a collab, just written with "the atlantic" in mind. I have three collabs I think posted, and then the rest is just mine. I have fun working with other people though, so, who knows what you might find around my place.
But this one was just my poem, but with him in mind.
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Ok, I officially cannot read. I could have sworn you wrote the poem with him
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It's alright. I do the same things quite often without knowing it as my eye sometimes is quite faulty...LOL.
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I left comment on this....
because I had never faced this situation.
This write is like flowers so well bunched together that fools like me used to over look.
Not now, I learn and develop this skill.
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Well thank you Jai for stopping by.
I like that you are always expanding your
horizons, in terms of poetry. I have seen
this on your page quite often. The true
challenge of any writer is being able to
implicate poetry in new and unique ways.
It is nice to see you stop by and leave
me your thoughts. Thank you!
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Oh, I really must slap myself in the face! I have read this poem so many times, I could recite my favorite lines to you. Which by the way is damn near the entire piece.
There is something truly...embedded in this piece, a diamond in the rough, if you don't mind me making a similar metaphor of the one you used earlier. As usual, though, imagery and flow is brilliant.
Marvelous piece!
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Congrats
sorry to you adsaige you learn fast and that is good. -
On no, don't slap yourself in the face literally...LOL. I already sort of did that metaphorically to myself here. Yes, I think a very large piece of my soul was dislodged , a part of me I no longer deem necessary to keep hidden. Thank you for the great comment! You always leave me thoughts on what you truly perceive, which is very nice from a reader.
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I suppose that would be the "slap secrets" part? Well, I would have to leave my thoughts for they are deep and pensive...LOL. Honestly, if I don't tell you what I truly think without inhibitions and constrains, and really slapped it down on the table, I would be of no use, and would waste time, space, and energy on both our parts!
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I like when you tell me just what you think.
You don't go out of your way to try too hard or
any of that shit...You just give me your soul
and I think that is very important to all
conversations between two people. Especially
when it comes to comments in general. Well,
I'm off for a bit. Gotta do some late night
things and run to the all night store to
pick up some snacks, etc. I shall be back
at some point though. It was great chatting
again.
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Title change and that
stanza change is done.
Thank you!
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Hey there lovely. Yes, this one is above all meant to be for my own reading, the little nuances included. But it is also a write that I felt captured a bit of pushback's/john's work, so that might be also why it feels so entirely personal. I'm going to take your advice on that dental stanza, I was considering that anyways...LOL. It's been on my mind since Jaden mentioned it before about how the cavity is never really removed, the tooth is, etc...So, I'm going to change it right now. As for the title, you could be right, but now my only problem is finding something that does work. Maybe "melancholic crack". That might work better now that I think about it. Thank you for your thoughts on my work. Going to make the dental change right now. Truly, it means a lot that you would stop by my poem wall.
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I will assume everything cosmic has been said.
The passage contained in { } blew me right away. I think the device may never have been better utilized.
Your language, phrasing, the story-ness of it were no suprise, as I expect greatness from you. "No stance", indeed! What a perfect end, as well. A photo of a soul in the infinite moment, suspended, {or so I see it, anyway.}
Subjective quibbles; in line ten, the bent. On at least two of my four or five readings I wanted the word gone as it just dis-rupted me somehow. Other times, I wanted it for clarity, a breadcrumb along the path to come. In line sixteen; the discord. In my own wee mind; I wanted to hear to, or even at, in place of the on. Silly subjectives, but I thought it might be cute for a grasshopper to attempt to critique the pebble.
Really an outstanding poem, bro.
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I changed "on" for "to",
thanks for the advice Rob!
I think it helps add to the
imagery much clearer.
Thanks again for your
keen eye.
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"Critique the pebble", silly Rob. I can see what you mean with those slight disruptions or should I say, quirks. I think you may be onto something with that "to" or "at" change from "on", for sure. Things like that can help the flow of a piece in so many ways. I'm going to consider it for future edits or possibly now, if I think on it long enough. You always leave me such thoughtful comments, which proves you not only read me, but you reach into my work. What more could this poet ask for really. In an age where everything is rehearsed, it is wonderful to see such freshness always escape your soul. Thank you for leaving me your thoughts. I appreciate it so much.
Thank you, brother.
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no there is no stance
but always
a wish may be the last
there's no greater enemy for death
than dreaming
no greater foe for life too
and we're all on crack
speeding up
fast forward for a start
while dreaming the end
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Yes, it's a lot like that.
"there's no greater enemy for death
than dreaming", how perfectly said.
You are one of those people who
cracks a smile on my always
uncertain mug. Thank you.
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Lot's of good stanza's in this. This is one of them:
there is no stance
set alongside an
infinite perfection
The way I see it, it makes the mind expand if one wants to keep up with your imagination.
A note, this line: "and I adhere no incentive" probably should have a "to" stuck between 'adhere' and 'no'...
Then the line concerning 'cavity removal' . . . I don't think dentists remove cavities, rather they repair them or yank the offending tooth. For purposes of this poem, yanking teeth if far better than 'cavity repair' unless, of course, that's the image you're going after. As a casual and critical reader, the way it is now distracts me.
I don't know why but the phrasing in this poem reminds me a lot of Walt Whitman. It might be because there is a certain boldness in your words, as Whitman was bold in his words.
Try this website and you'll see what I mean: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/amex/whitman/program/
Good stuff as usual, James. Good luck in the contest.
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I edited that "no incentive" part. Do you think it reads better? As for the cavity removal, I think it will have to stay for now. I don't want to say removing the teeth themselves, but just the bad spots. And you are right, the word "repair" would just be strange. If I do think of something stronger for that part, I will invite you back to take a looksy. Thanks again pal!
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Looks good to me.
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Thank you for the very in-depth and introspective comment. I just realized that I need a "to" in there, that was something I usually would not overlook. I'm going to consider a change with that cavity imagery...I think you are onto something, the metaphor could be clearer. I find a lot of whitman's stuff to feel kind of like my work, at least, when he pushes the limits. Sometimes it is a little too whimsy, but he also was not afraid of the limits of writing. I'll check out that link for sure. I'll throw you an IM if I think of a change for that cavity part. Thank you for leaving me your thoughts. My imagination is usually outside of myself. Always thinking. Always.
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'there is no stance
set alongside an
infinite perfection'
I forgot to say that, it's a great piece!
and that I love this part, for me it's like an unburdening because it says "you may as well let go and meet all as it comes." Which I agree with completely.
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Hope it's okay responding like this, that you don't mind... It's certainly not advice I'm afraid but just my 'take' on what I see:
Superficial take rejected
vision of mine ever strong
on that I detest
with no need for your eyes
all that glistened to keep
for me has turned sour
disillusionment can be heavy
I find it takes its toll
(My hackles with wary
of hypocrisy
damming to death)
Still but persistent
seeming inevitable block
fattens my wishes
for departure
ironic games of pain
time has hardened to compromise
easy low compensation
fear's small refuge
relaxing enough for
larger imagination to arise
at the end of it all I am nothing
alongside what I see.
mental vampires sucking strength
stronger than ludicrous standard bearers
who speak with supposed authority
clinging through fears to their shape
glistening, not really enough for me
need has blown my fear away.
-----------------------
For what it may be worth?
I enjoyed walking through the gloomy place and out the other end.
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Oh you! That was wonderful.
a need to apologize before hand or me
getting offended, are you kidding?!
...I'm honored. Just the fact that
you could take my words and make
something out of them, is truly a
gift. "You may as well let go and
meet all that comes"- exactly.
Just like that. A place I am often
at. To just let go. It must be done
sooner, than later. Thank you emerald.
You shine line raspberry wine on a
full eve. It means the world that
you would stop here. And that you
would think of me.
- James
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there are some parts of this that i like and some that i don't. it feels different from your usual writing, but i do like it overall. no, wait, i love it and all its disjointedness. but sometimes i just couldn't connect the images and story behind this... it might require some more readings, but i do get the general gist of it. my brain is dead anyways.
the spacing at the beginning is awesome and effective.
"this crinkle in the cornea" feels kinda wordy.
"silk words have worn into
photogenic remorse" this just feels cliche and not you.
otherwise, not my favourite of yours, but it's still very good, and i am so jealous of "brethren teeth" and your stagnantly effective ending.
-hiraeth
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Do you have any ideas on that crinkle line?
I'm kind of blargh. I don't want to change the
imagery in a way where it becomes less effective.
You know what I mean?
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There you are. I think all my stuff needs a few reads, this one especially. My brain is dead most of the time, well, at least when I first wake up. Which I just did. The photogenic remorse bit was actually from the original...LOL. Which is strange that you think it not like me, but you could be right. I'm going to work with the crinkle line and see what I can do. That actually was bugging me to begin with. We all have our favorite pieces, and then there are the ones we like, but don't completely love. There is nothing wrong with being honest. I'll hit you with an IM when I have made a suitable change with the crinkle line. Thanks again! Where is that poem "vessel"?
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right now i won't say much other than thank you, and there are parts of this so shiny that it's blinding
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I couldn't sleep, so I came back on for
the moment. There you are! I'm glad you
found it blinding, hopefully not so much
you couldn't read the poem...LOL. As usual,
you are glorious and lovely.
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"no way to find strength
in people filled
with severed psyches"
in graveyards built by bodies
to house a million minds
hand in hand, and one by one
along this littered path
each one of us a pauper
each one of us a thief
brilliant bones and diamonds
against the coal of night
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You have done it again, left me something
that made me cry. In a good way. Thank you hun.
You are such a wonderful person. A gift of words
given to me is worth a million. You had me on
your second line. How you see me and my poetry
is always refreshing. Your words were felt.
Know this.
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Your words inspire mine.. they find a piece of me ..I have difficulty finding on my own. And often they're the only thing I really have to give. So were yours.. and so are you..
And I will hang onto that...as best I can.. I always do
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You are so...no words are equal the amount of feeling I always feel when I read your poetry and you leave me such thoughts. I just want to squeeze you and have a good cry session, just about whatever. Your words do touch my heart. I don't need to say this, but I do regardless. Yes, I'll hang onto these moments as well. That is what matters, through it all.
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We'd probably cry for hours and then start to laugh, and it would be worth every minute of it too
Yours touch mine as well... in ways I can't even begin to put into words.
and yes.. it really is
Thank you James.. truly.. -
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Yep. That's what I usually do. Cry and then laugh. You are so welcome. I enjoy every bit of our friendship. I repeat myself, but it is needed. Your poem is still getting a lot of comments and I'm so glad it is. I tell everyone to go read you. Hopefully they do.
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lol, same here.. and I yours. It's a breath of fresh air..
As for people reading me, some will, some won't, I always hope those who read mine come to read yours, as to me they go together, but more than that.. far more than that is that you wrote that, the rest is ..a lovely little extra.
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I've gotten a few people from your end and it is a wonderful extra. Really it is the poetry, like you said, that is the important part. I read that poem often, when I can that you wrote off mine and I still tear up. I think that is a great feeling though. Seeing yourself in another person.
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I've gotten one or two from you, but yes. Seeing yourself in another persons eyes is a little bit of gold .. something you can put in your pocket and touch...and keep. What could be worth more than that
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Indeed. Indeed.
So, I'm going to see the new x-files movie tomorrow. I can't wait! Got to get some sleep so I'm ready in the morning. I'll tell you how it is when I get back. Goodnight love.
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I really liked the part about role models only being episodes of five minute glow, that was beautiful. Actually, that may be one of my favorite things that I know you've written. I also liked the part about being cauterized into powder. Your poems are often hard to follow for me, but this one wasn't at all. I got everything. It's a little different, but I think for the better.
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I hear you there. I have the same idea when I read some of your poems, I get most of it, but some, I just reread a few times and organize my thoughts about it, before I comment. I think that mysterious quality in poetry keeps things interesting though. Most of this just dripped off my pen, fast. Only a few edits here and there but I think you have pin-pointed my favorite parts as well. You are a quiet one. but also a great commentator, when you do. Thank you.
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i should comment more, especially considering all the critiquing you do for me. this give and take isn't balanced at all...
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Whenever. I'm not going anywhere. And it's not about how many comments you leave or I leave. It's just about leaving comments and feeling things as they come. Don't change your ways for me. Just be you. I can live with that.
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Lovely poet you are. The ending was spot on.
Raw and open poetry. Wonderfully done.
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I'm so glad to see you around the site! Yes I am.
So you think it's raw enough? Well, that's good.
Your comments are always lovely to see.
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I have posted a few here and there. Tonight I decided to stay on awhile. It means I will lose sleep, but I have to write something before I sleep. LOL...I don't even know what. It is just still stirring inside me. Ever been there?
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You have no idea how many times I've been there...LOL. I stir over things a lot until I am set on posting something. I'll look for it. I lose sleep most of the time. It's just my nature.
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I love this.
You really never cease to amaze me with the way you word things, ever.
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Thank you. I was just telling myself how it could be this and that and how I could have done this instead...LOL. I really need to stop being so, hard on my own work... Well, anyways, I know you mean it, so that's good enough for me. Do you think anything sounds off? I need a second pair of eyes. If you can't think of anything, I'm fine with that.
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I really love this write, I feel it is a long overdue communion. Step up to the plate, take back what is yours, and hit that mother fucker out of the ballpark.... if I'm way off I apologize, but I really find this piece unapologetic, and commanding, which is amazing.
Great write
♥
whisper
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Yes, it is very unapologetic, which my stuff usually is. The contest demanded raw, so, I guess it's a compliment that you think this is commanding. That was certainly what I was going for. Thank you for reading my poetry. Always a pleasure when you stop by.
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I love your writing.
You touch that darker place in me that never seems to find the right words.
Yes, I think our words join in some strange way, like two halves to a whole. Is that weird?
Anyway, well worth the wait, you.
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I think we are like two halves of a whole, nicely said suzanne. You do touch on that darkness sometimes, it all depends on what the poem entails. Yes, this was the second poem I posted yesterday, which was so unlike me. The other one "gradual" is even more personal. Thank you so much for stopping by! I love when you do.
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this is a bit aching, with the chalk outlines and ghostly bits of bones and scratching.. it has a hidden story to sift through the layers and let it breathe
no doubt I shall be back to this one, to see where it unfolds some more for me
diamonds gleam
yes
Gilly.xxxxxx
[where's mine, i ask with a pouted mouth and stomping foot?]
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There you are love. It was great chatting with you on the tele. We've kind of already spoken about my two new poems, so, I love you girl! It was great touching up and just talking. Thanks for the comment. Yes, your diamond geezer.
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"cauterized">>I love this word. It's in a poem that is under construction. Now i feel i can't use it LOL.
"there is no stance
set alongside an
infinite perfection
no way to find strength
in people filled
with severed psyches ">>>
These words hit me like a cement truck. Yea; I know that's a bad simile
I loved this; read it twice over and JP will love it. I love it. I love your words. But mostly; I love the texture of the voice in your poetry. It touches my bones. I don't know what else to say
~Meg
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Hey there Meg...You wonderful person.
LOL, you can use whatever words you want. It's not like it was planned or something. Poetry that touched bones is good poetry, right? I think so, at least. You always speak honestly when you comment. I appreciate that!
Thanks again!
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No; it's not good poetry; it's great poetry. There are only two poets on this site who dig into my marrow. You are one of them.
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Well, that is the
greatest compliment
one could ever receive.
Thank you so much.
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de nada Out of the 50+ people on my favs; yours and one other poet are the only 2 where I've read EVERY single piece of your poetry .
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Again, I don't know what to say.
Thank you love. Your poetry is very inspirational to me as well. You certainly are no cod fish when you belt out a poem.
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cod fish >> oh silly james
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Mmmm, this is like melting icicles and there blows a cool or cold wind across those biting last stanza's but it has an inherent warmth to it perhaps because the person writing is so genuine I think. C
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Yes, I'm as genuine as it gets darling. I'll tell you what I think of the sun while I'm punching it's face in...LOL. I like how you describe my poem, never thought of it that way, but you're right. There is warmth here for sure. The dark is never so overwhelming it kills all. Thanks again babes.
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Well, aren't we all privileged today....two in one day!
This is perfectly honest
and perfect.
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Well thank you Lucy.
You know you've got me smiling now.
This one was still very personal, but less painful.
More raw though, which I guess was the point of
the contest...LOL.
It's writers like you that keep my always
posting.
Thanks again!
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Then I shall keep commenting.
And smiles are good. -
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Nighty-night love.
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lol, you said that ages ago! I thought you'd gone already.
Off to bed with you!
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this is THE BEST I HAVE READETH FROM YE!!!
um um the third stanza and the stanzas after and before... this is really worth reading... oh i love the word choice.. good luck!
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Awww! I'd comment on your new one, but it says not to.
You know we can share john. He is lovely. Sigh...
Thank you hun. I always like when you stop by my poem wall.
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have i missed too many? share john huh? let me think...
okay... oh well i am already engaged to marc
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LOL. It's a deal.
I'm going to comment on your new one anyways.
You know you'll still love me, even
if I do what you don't say to do.
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sigh... what a smug! lol...
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