(Have To Get Better)

my heart is pounding
my body is aching
wanting
wishing
waiting
loving

As I sit on my porch and gaze out at the
wind softly blowing the trees about,
I think about how we met
how we felt
the feelings that were there
that we could not share until she was gone

and once she left
i picked up those broken pieces of him
placed them gently back together
though I was taken,
It didn't matter
because I knew deep within my self
he was the one for me
he was the one who picked me up when I was down
who made me smile when I thought I couldn't
who loved me for who I was
who went through hell and back just to
have me
lose me
hate me
love me
and wait for me

until I crossed that line
took him for granted
confused about life, love and people in general
I let my own terrors get in the way and I lost him
lost him to whoever may make his life happier
whether it's Morgan or whomever

It tears me up inside
like a cold icy hand reaching inside and ripping
my heart by its tight grip on the future
leaving my blood gushing from the depths within me
the heart strings shredded and broken
seeing her with him is like salt pouring within me
and searing it's brand in my heart

I didn't understand and now I do
I didn't love enough and now I want to show him I do
I didn't understand, so caught up in my own lil fantsy world
and he left, to heal and to escape the terror of my personal madness

I can't blame him, but now that things are edgy
I don't know what the future holds and it terrifies me
in more ways than I care to think of
my mind going a hundred miles per minute
my heart racing...
what if he picks her
what if he decides I'm not worth that one more chance
not even if I deserve it
what if he changes his mind
after all that's been said and done
what if he doesn't call
what if he disappears?

I can't take it anymore
all these thoughts send me into a panic
and send me down the drainhole of depressed thoughts
and hurt feelings
and none of what I dread has even happened yet!
so why do I panic??

I have to stop
i have to get better
I have to do whatever it takes to get him back
to SHOW  him I do care and I WILL fix everything

God, I am so stupid for being so foolish
and I hate being left in the dark
but i have to be patient
because I meant what I said
I will wait until death to be with him
to hold him
to love him
to be his girl
his lover
his wife
his best friend

to be that girl who made her b/f sit in the backseat of the prelude
just so she could be closer to *him*

to be that girl who couldn't take her eyes off of him
in the cafeteria at uncc and wondered what he thought of her

to be that woman who is growing up everyday more and more
and sees each day what a mess she made of their life