It’s hot in here.
The screaming died out hours ago.
Now just a thick and silent dread
Is sandwiched between
The roars and rumbles
Of a lurching metal box,
Rolling on tarmac.
There’s no glass through which
We could watch the passing landscape,
Try to normalise the situation.
Instead a sweaty darkness,
Filled with the stench
Of emptied bowels and bladders.
We breathe in through mouths
As carefully as terror will allow;
Squashed together,
Fighting for oxygen,
Suffocating.
The electric air lets fly with static;
Sparks like fireflies
Dance before our eyes,
Igniting our brains
With false hope.
Suddenly the lorry shudders to a halt,
Draining the colour from our future.
The door opens,
Sunlight floods inside.
A coruscating shadow
Makes its move.
Time to pay the forfeit.
Author notes
Option 6 word bank: glass, fireflies, forfeit, breathe, shadow, colour. "Take a bow and exit stage left"
In a list
A contest entry
- Build Me Worlds, Tell Me Stories, Show Me How Creative You Can Be by Enkeli.
550 points, ended July 28, 2008, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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This is good, full of power and confidence. I get the sense of a wagon (truck, lorry) loaded with illegal immigrants or cattle... The language is pitched just right, and the word-bank is unobtrusive. Well done, and congratulations on a well-deserved trophy.
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You've caught my intention perfectly and also identified the problem I had choosing the right word for the transport - I had Auschwitz in mind as well, but a train (wagon) would not fit the other two.
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{nods} Jasenovac came to my mind. "A coruscating shadow makes it move" now falls better into place.
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Thought trucks were bits of skateboard...
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Oh, gosh. Where to begin?
This is breath-taking, it really is. I adore your imagery, your take on the prompt... everything. The emotion in this is intense. It really leaves the reader with an unsettled, afraid feeling... wonderful.
"The electric air lets fly with static;
Sparks like fireflies
Dance before our eyes,
Igniting our brains
With false hope."
My favorite part, the simile is simple, yet quite effective.
Thank you for the wonderful read, and for complying with what I asked and put the option and phrase in the AN.
Good luck poet,
Enkeli -
lorry - now there is a word i do not see used much in poetry, i think most would say truck, i would say lorry if i saw one - a good poem.
yeah lol that poem she loves me she loves me not is mental i am glad you are enjoying the poems.
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It must be my north-eastern upbringing!
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