The smile upon your face
I know I’m in the right place
In your eye there’s a gleam
Don’t let me wake from this dream
And then you give a chuckle
My knees begin to buckle
As the rain, upon my window, pitter-patter patter-pitter
Nothing else seems to matter
Just the thought of you
The clouds drift away,
as the sky again turns blue
I know not who whispers
“she’s the one for you”
the sun is again shining
clouds with silver lining
as bright as can be
birds are singing
BUTTERFLIES ARE FREE
I no longer have to imagine true love
..................................You
..................................shared
..................................it
..................................with
..................................me
was this a neat contest or what?
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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How lovely this is
I feel often when one shares the love and the time spent to see that love stay true its a blessing to all those who see and hear for it shows the world it can be done and life is good if you work together to see it through
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Nice structure, and well written poem, nice job with this one. The title had me interested immediately and the poem did not disappoint.
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This was very unique with a different structure.
It had a wonderful innocence to it as well.
Thanks for sharing
. Rewarded 4
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Graet great great...nicely done
Nevadapoet -
I enjoyed the way you wrote it. It seemed to add character to the poem. It did seem a little unnatural, but you seemed to work around that. I love the way it sounds. It is really good. Great job on this one.
~W.W~ -
this is so sweet.
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loved this
I just loved it -
Very well written
Wethor it be forced or not it flowed and rhymed well. This is an awesome piece of poetry. Let the inspieration of this poem flow through you into all your work. Once again great write!
. Rewarded 4
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This is in critical feature?
I couldn't relate to the words because of the rhyme, it sounded forced, unnatural, like describing a smile with calculation. This might make good lyrics though. -
I felt your new love as if it were my own. Great flow and the spacing added a lot. Great job. Pen on...
. Rewarded 4
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beautiful. You have captured the emotions we feel when we are in love and managed to put them into words. I love the line BUTTERFLIES ARE FREE kind of metaphorical for the butterflies we get in our stomach when we kiss the one we love. I have recently fallen in love with someone and its the strangest feeling. almost indescribable but youve done a good job! nice work x
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beautiful. You have captured the emotions we feel when we are in love and managed to put them into words. I love the line BUTTERFLIES ARE FREE kind of metaphorical for the butterflies we get in our stomach when we kiss the one we love. I have recently fallen in love with someone and its the strangest feeling. almost indescribable but youve done a good job! nice work x
. Rewarded 6
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Excellent
Isn't love grand? Nicely done...a beautiful picture painted with prefectly arranged words.
Nevadapoet -
Beautiful
Well written and good flow of words
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This is why I enjoy love poetry. This is more than words describe, like true love. But you did a fair job of embodying it. But yeah, it is hard to write certain genres without falling on a slippery slope of a cliche.
. Rewarded 4
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Hmm. I think this is pretty close to being cliche... but not quite. It was good, but I think it definitely could have been better. Maybe try rewording some things. Idk. I feel as if it is missing something...
The rhyming also seems kind of forced..
Not to say the poem is bad.
Sorry for all the critisism.
I'm just saying, there's always room for improvement.
And the few things about that I mentioned are things you want to be careful of when you're writing. -
I loved this! I'm in awe of the seamless flow and vivid imagery you used here. Keep up the good work!
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Too Simplistic
For instance
"your face I know I’m in the right place In your eye there’s a gleam Don’t let me wake from this dream And then you give a"
is 27 single-syllable words in a row. Stretch your vocabulary to add power and beauty to the framework you've started.
It occurs to me that mentioning the word "cliche" wouldn't be totally out of line here. Love, sun, clouds, birds, butterflies all tied together doesn't really smack of originality, although your typographic composition will undoubtedly stand the test of time as a unique creation.
If you've felt love, what was unique about that special person or experience? What sets your love apart from the ordinary? Dig deep for some unique adjectives that describe what you feel. -
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I disagree about the vocabulary. In my experience, a message/metaphor/image/whatever is often most powerful when simply stated. And while I'd agree that twenty seven one-syllable words is a lot, stretching vocabulary often takes you further from the point you're trying to make. I mean, I'm all for large vocabularies--the bigger your verbal palette is, the more diversity you can introduce to your poems--but I think that doing so just to add syllables is counterproductive. If this poem is too simplistic (which isn't my message), it is because of the symbols and not because of the words used to present them. Not that I'm an expert in any way, shape, or form--I just thought I'd give a different perspective.
As for the poem itself, I really liked the line "I know not who whispers/'She's the one for you'" Very identifiable--I think we've all been there before.
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Stunning. "as bright as can be
birds are singing
BUTTERFLIES ARE FREE" great line.
I think she may be your butterfly?
anywhooo
=]
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I think the beginning of the poem especially the part about the chuckle and the buckling knees were a bit too cheesy and interrupted the flow of the poem because after that part your writing became more sincere and seemed more heartfelt. I do think that the arrangement of the lines with the ....... and tabs made it a bit choppy. It might have been better just centered on the page. Overall a pretty decent work. I was impressed by how well the second part of the poem conveyed your feelings so deeply
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Yes, this is a real love poem, but I still feel that it could be edited further. The choppy flow really distracted my eyes, as I journeyed across the page to see what you were saying. And particularly the........................of the last part. I understand those were meant to be emphasized and noted, but they could stand on their own if you simple say: You shared it with me.
You can even muck around with it about.
you
shared
with
me.
Other than a few minor editing jobs, this piece is beautiful. -
Now that's a real love poem; lets just hope the poor guy doesn't find out that his love has been seeing some other guy on the sly.
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Nicely written and I do like the way you play around with your structure towards the end to emphasise the feelings of the poetic voice towards its subject. Interesting use of images throughout and generally appropriate use of deceptively simple langugage. Thanks for sharing. The love burns through.
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Wow! This is an amazing poem! You really went in to detail! True love is a very precious thing...make sure and make it last! Great write!
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