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Freedom

Missing image

it is not my pain

I bear,

burdens of others

surround me.

anguished in bondage.

they have shackled themselves.

unaware they carry it

with them.

thoughts of defeat,

unseen fear,

restricting peace of mind.

needlessly suffering,

willingly.

within them freedom,

delayed by ignorance.

truism lying dormant,

internal wisdom screams

on deaf ears.

as their desolate souls,

go unheard,

crying in vain.

within me I carry,

a heavy heart,

for the redundant

suffering of humanity.

I have found the key

that unlocked my soul,

but I will not leave alone.

 

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 22 of 22

  • AAA Taurus The Bull gold member
    August 13, 2008
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    Great

    Don't let people change you, learn to change them for you, anyway thats what i think, Come out of that secret place in to your own light. so others can see. Wonderful poem very well done, An excruciating and powerful piece of Poetry very well done There were no errors. Or No typos. I got my eye on you. I Would change. I look forward to your next poem

  • Nicole Hanna
    August 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Well, this immediately starts off as telling and not showing. "it's not my pain I bear"... explain the pain, give it a face, give it an image. The word "pain" in and of itself is too blah... it's just there, and generic and there's nothing to immediately make me go "oh, that's pain I understand" because there's no image I can relate to. "burdens of others", you could also give the burden an image to explain its significance. Wordslike "anguished" and "shackled" always strike me as a little over -the-top. We want raw emotions here, (though in poetry that's clean and refined), and when I am in an emotional state, I don't say things like "I feel so anguished right now" .lol. You see what I'm saying? Keep it real. The poem is clean, but there's not enough emotion that I can relate to (that doesn't mean there isn't emotion in the poem). Thanks for entering. I appreciate the effort. I'm still of the belief it can't be done, but I think onerios might have found a poem or two that suggests otherwise.


  • maa gold member
    August 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I can relate to your poem so very well ...
    I guess that's the mission of "rainbow-warriors" ...
    self-sacrifice and compassion ...
    just know that you are not alone to carry the collective burden ...

    if you wish, I can teach you a technique to transform the heavy energy and to liberate yourself and others from it ...
    let me know ...

    much love,
    maa


  • trekkergirl
    August 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Very well written. It is also very creative. Good job. trekkergirl


  • Ronztrek
    July 31, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    "I have found the key
    that unlocked my soul,
    but I will not leave alone."

    Wow! What a thought provocative wicked piece of poetry you have penned here. From the title, through every verse, the reader is casted into deep reflections of the realities that surround us... creating windows of opportunities... an opportunity to grasp their own freedom, at least for a moment  in thought, to take and run... or let it fade away.

     

    Simply Superb!

     

    Best of luck in contest!

     

    Ron *wolf*



  • ourgirlFriday
    July 31, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Hmmmmm.....

    I know I've seen this poem before...I've faced this scene before...I've seen this face before? I can really relate to this poem, being so empathic. A lovely write for all time!


  • AAA Taurus The Bull gold member
    July 31, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Good

    Your last lines hits the mark
    you have painted this beautifully I'm glad to have read it, here today... good work and so well done.


  • Aesthete2000 gold member
    July 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "unaware they carry it
    with them."

    Insight, dear Pisces, that is what you share
    in this piece. Your wisdom, your compassion,
    all of you, here to see.

    Aesthete


  • Arkbear gold member
    July 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Oh....extremely thought-provoking write ~

     

    You have a heart that carrys much.....God shall see to it that you are blessed for that ~

     

    Lovely presentation and format as well.....good luck with your entry....nicely done,

     

    ...God bless you,

     

    Bear ~


  • PrabhuDayal Khattar silver member
    July 29, 2008

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    Humm..you are relating yourself in the every atom of this earth and touching it touching yourself my friend..very universal flow is here..

  • Climbing2nothing
    July 28, 2008

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    o how i feel the very heart of this within, especially in those moments i listen to the news or drive through the city, shivers, ghosts, essence of oblivion, and the plans of infinity, time, inter-dimensional connectivity, such a a shattered crystal of humanity we have become, yet by the power of my and others meditations, dances and dreams the hands in the spiral will never loose strength or grip as we have come too far, learned so much, and yet everythings still getting faster....

    anyheys beautiful religious write,
    caste well,
    w chai and cookies
    -JAS


  • ourgirlFriday
    July 25, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    If you don't win

    I will be disappointed! This is a beautiful write, and so very true! You have such wonderful insight on life. I knew I could never take on the prompt, but you exceeded my expectations of what would be in the contest. Well Done!
    PS- I suggest a slightly darker purple font. I have 20/20 vision, but I'm having trouble reading it.


  • AsIThink gold member
    July 24, 2008

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    This is amazing Pisces...I loved the imagery. So many lines and ideas that struck me on the poetic cranium (lol): "They have shackled themselves./Unaware they carry it/With them./Thoughts of defeat,/Unseen fear,/
    Restricting peace of mind./Needlessly suffering,/Willingly./Within them freedom,/Delayed by ignorance./Truism lying dormant,/Internal wisdom screams/On deaf ears."...this is an incredible feel; such wonderful sentiments here. Really great job. Best of luck in the contest...


  • Providence
    July 23, 2008

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    The Compassionate Heart bears all, understands all and seeks to ease suffering in every form!

    Wonderful work from an enlightened spirit!

    Bravo!

    Marianne


  • echo-ink
    July 23, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Well, this poem didn't make me sick, hehehe

    I loved the way you used vomiting as an inner feeling of conflick, great job, Rainbow, YAY!!!

  • Ace - LightWithinMe
    July 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hello.

    A deep write, flesh/ego, illusions that we take as reality, the one within, the real us, ignored; I agree with a lot of points in this piece. Although it is caring of a person who does not want to leave alone, a person can not open the door for anyone else, and so many do not want to, so in the end.....

    I wish you well in the contest, and hope you choose a slightly darker font, hahahah.

    My regards.


  • Puppydog gold member
    July 22, 2008

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    SO VERY BEAUTIFUL!!!!

    Your words are very beautiful and oh so caring and true!'s Finding your own anwers and them sharing them with all you meet, the true meaning of love!'s


  • who iam
    July 22, 2008

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    Excellent

    You have captured many of lives events;burdens of others ,bondage,fear,defeat all elements of those who struggle through this life.Well done,thanks for sharing dear lady.


  • BuriedTreasures silver member
    July 22, 2008

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    A beautiful & meaningful composition with a truthful and profound message--
    Well Done & Best of Luck in the contest!


  • Swangrnv gold member
    July 22, 2008

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    Outstanding piece of work!

    A great message to boot, I do agree with the comment below, you may want to change either the font color, or background because it's a little hard to make out. Otherwise a excellent write!


  • aeolia
    July 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Just so you know, this is had to read with such a pale font colour. You might want to change that; it is a soothing colour, though, if not hard on the eyes.

    As for the poem, pretty decent. I wish I could see it, though, with some imagery and metaphor; you simply say that these people are shackled without ever showing so. Poetry tends to be more powerful when an author uses concrete images instead of abstract concepts (such as freedom, pain, and love, which all have different meanings for different people) to make a point.

    Good luck in that contest!

    -hiraeth


  • Kim
    July 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful and thoughtful piece of art. Best of luck in the contest. May GOD bless you.

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