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The shooting of the innocent

My hands are sweaty and clammy,
as we turn in to the street

I am handed the machine gun,
and told to load and wait

As I point it out of the window,
I get ready for what I’m about to do

Then the signal is given,
I fire...

The car speeds down the street

Next, I hear the blood curdling
screams of the innocent.

I peer out of the window,
I see people fall like cut grass to the wind

As the car swerves out of the street,
My friend cheers because we’ve done our final act

I can’t stop shaking,
there are cartridges spilled all over the floor

Yesterday evening a car sped down the main street,

at least 60 people have been killed,

and 20 people are still fighting for their lives.

 

Four men have been found dead with a suicide note, saying they were the men in the car.  

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 21 of 21

  • Kathraina silver member
    July 21

    Edit | Reply
    Great job with this piece.
    Very vivid imagery in this piece, and strong emotions.
    Bravo



    ♥ Kate

  • Wow. This is really powerful. It was interesting, and captivated me from the beginning. The story you have told here...is extremely sad and horrifying, but written in such beautiful words. It is so tragic. I could feel the speakers emotions, the fear and anxiety, confusion, and hopelessness. Wonderful. The ending was really unexpected, as to how they were going to commit suicide. Very interesting. I am curious as to why this was happening though. Great write indeed overall though. Thank you for sharing, and good luck in my contest.

  • nice poem, keep writing

    I see people fall like cut grass to the wind: it is this line which i liked most


  • Night Terrors
    April 19

    Edit | Reply
    so twisted I really thought that this was just a great all around


    The Positives:

    A wonderful story I loved the tragidy in this

    The Negatives:

    Nothing that I see great job



    My Favorite Part:

    I can’t stop shaking,
    there are cartridges spilled all over the floor

    Yesterday evening a car sped down the main street,

    at least 60 people have been killed,

    and 20 people are still fighting for their lives.




    that was a power full write
    Overall:

    I give this an 8/10 you did great. I hope to see you in my future contests thanks so much for entering.

    ~*~Apathetic Poison~*~


  • individuality gold member
    April 13
    Edit | Reply
    good poe... oh a fishcake

  • great job telling a story and i really enjoyed the read, but what i really wanted was more reasoning behind what was going on and why this event happened in the poem, i also though you should of separated :
    "Yesterday evening a car sped down the main street,
    at least 60 people have been killed,
    and 20 people are still fighting for their lives"
    from the rest of the poem, possibly by adding "the tv Blaired and whispered the words.." and such
    just an idea
    thanks for entering


  • Rhythm Child
    October 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    once again an amazing poem, you are a fantastic poet


  • Dangerousparable silver member
    September 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    cold

    I'm out of applause. Or you would certainly get some.
    You had me shaking just reading the thing.
    great work


  • LittleDecoy
    August 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    a very overwhelming piece.
    a lot of emotions came from the different parts of the poem. great job =)
    thanks for entering & good luck


  • Genesis
    August 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    What a powerful piece...from being in the middle of a war-zone to shooting the innocent, then fleeing the scene...and committing suicide...An interesting and amazing piece. Thank you for sharing and keep writing.
    --Genesis.


  • hearts06
    August 19, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    woww. its really good


  • z etoile
    August 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Interesting write...
    Liked it keep writing.


  • SilverWolf
    August 11, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    woooo wee!!
    really good
    i hope u win!


  • Night Terrors
    August 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    what contest did u win gold for this poem? this is a contest for poems that have won gold

  • piccola silver member
    August 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Tells a tale of what sounds like gang violence. Sometimes an initiation happens this way. Sometimes children are killed. What a terrible world we live in. I agree that your write could benefit from some structure. Line breaks or stanzas would give it more power.


  • sassykitty
    August 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Extremely evocative and packed with detail - this is really quite disturbing in its intensity. Falls into prose in places, you may want to have a play around with some of the lines and the general structure but that's only an opinion. The way it's written most certainly doesn't detract from its impact. Very well written. Thanks for sharing.


  • Pretend Prodigy
    August 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wow. Haunting.


  • lifesnofairytale
    July 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I thought your poem was brilliant the way you put your self in the poem I loved it


  • Brit-Girl
    July 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    very interesting, an example of the end of life. This is more an example of flash fiction than poetry, however either way I liked it!
    thank you for your entry


  • Commodore Rouge
    July 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wow, you painted a very vivid picture of this event! What intrigued me even more is the information you included at the end, as Blood.Stained.Tears shared; were you actually involved in this or did you see it happen? That must have been tragic. You did a good job with this, nonetheless. I think there is trophy potential in it.


  • XxAngelOfPoisonxX
    July 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow dude this rocks...
    I want to know where your inspriation came from for this....
    I love the news bit at the end...
    good job!

1 - 21 of 21